risking again….

(December 23rd, 2008)


i’m just trying to beat the sleepiness off…everything has been a bliss…it was something I never expected again to happen…but it just did..

“he lets me love him without losing myself in the process…”..for the first time, i mean it when i say this…i used to say that and believed that it was real …but it wasn’t….this time, it just wasn’t what i wanted to believe in …one of my thousand ideals…this time it’s real… absolutely………

the minute he stepped again on our doorway..and i knew then it would lead to something really special…

for many times, i have been so transparent of what i felt about someone…to the extent that it was meant to force others that who i was with was worth all the affection…but then again, no matter how flowery i become…or how melodic my essays be…happiness can never be simulated ….no matter how i create literary illusions of what i had, the sigh i have proves otherwise..

2 years ago (2006)…i spent the rest of Christmas eve with this guy…after someone broke my ideals in Christmas..i remembered being upset early .. felt alone, …surprised with a gift i really loved to have, but being left quickly…i expected to have spent the special day with someone, but he had other plans ….

then out of the blue…this friend came…probably because he had no one to spend the holiday eve with….he saw the expression i had…the sight of solitude…i didn’t have to tell further…over a wine and food…we spent the whole night (until literary the sun rose) talking about our lives….

he has been always there for me…my knight in times of distress each time that i was torn into pieces…for years, he had seen the worst of me.. and the best that I have become…for years, he knew what would interest and frustrate me….we matured together, had fun in the simplest things we have together, and were witnesses of each other’s time of love and hurdling hurt that comes with it…

for years, i have drawn a line between us…i refuse to go a step higher with friends…childish it may sound, but i didn’t want to ruin a very special friendship….each time he’s around,i drop all my schedules and storm the streets with him….i am myself when i’m with him…not underestimated…not looked down…not taken for granted.

and then suddenly things changed….as much as i tried stopping it…not because i didn’t want it, but because i didn’t want another guy to drop my defenses again…NOT again…i didn’t want to start believing to another person’s words again…i didn’t want to get tangled with loyalty again…i stopped believing anymore that people can actually be truthful…i stopped believing i could trust again…

but then again…persistence and consistency is irresistible….and blessings from special people are enough to look at it in a different light…i might have been blind for a while of something / someone that has been of reach for so long….someone whose flaws are bearable …someone whose presence i will always feel, even without saying… i have been so fascinated of people who can sweep me off my feet…awed with who can lure like in movies…can give me the challenge i deniably seek.. that i forgot the essentials this person knows i speak all the time…he knows that he is..

how could have i glanced from afar for when what i deserved was just right before me all along…

…it’s heartwarming seeing him blend in my world…for years, it was only me, him and childhood friends….now he starts reaching in my world, and knowing the people i deem special…something i have always wanted to see, without asking…

when i look back, i smile at what i had…i had a great share of happiness and i had a lot of hurts …but i survived them all …what we had with persons who we didn’t last with, are meant to teach us about ourselves, that i will always be thankful for….it will always remind me of what i want much and what i will never want.

skeptics say that such is too early to tell.. nevertheless, i’m keeping this one…they say to be happy is risking getting hurt again… then, so BE it….And if such follows contentment, then i’m willing to lay all the cards i have…just to have a good ending with this one….