(january 1, 2006)
if there was one thing I learned this year(2005)..i realized the phrase “ never say never”…stands true to at all times…
middle of this year, I told myself to let go of somebody I gave up wishing to be with…but still hoped that I was special in more ways than one. I told myself “never will I let the feelings I have for this person dictate the course of my career again”..and “I will never let the thought of him distract me again, even in my simplest daily routine…”
never say never…i wasn’t verbal on my defiance of the statement… but my emotions were, which transcended into actions and eventually into my line of reasoning. Many times, I said the “ never..” phrase again and again with other promises..but I kept breaking them… it just can’t be done..as my friend pablo said…my emotions are too so stubborn, it has always been the cause of my downfalls.
I had no plans of battling more what I felt…amidst the bombarding advices of my faithful friends and even those who I just told of my pathetic woe…i just can’t drop it. i was about to go with the flow since it makes me happy until one night that slapped me into reality.
christmas… is suppose to be a happy event but this year it wasn’t to me…from what my friends tell me about my preposterous infatuation, it evolved to its peak this year and it ended right at the very night where the world rejoices on the Holy birth….how it happened is too pride swallowing for me to admit…that it stabbed my ego so much, it left me wondering how such moment transpired..
but so they say…sometimes, we have to learn it the hard way…my temper rarely explodes but when it does, it has never failed to put me in trouble…but this time, it was my temper who, in a way, helped me be free from what my friends say, “stupidity of all stupidity”….
with that temper, i thought i will no longer have to cling on to whatever we had that made me happy…. i will never say “never again”, although I just did…as fast my raging fumes exploded, it was put into tranquillity after i poured my agonies to my friends…then i was battling with two emotions again whether to stay angry or not…a schizo in the making.
as the new year starts…it will be a new beginning for me…for that anger has subsided when i decided to reach out again…new years day - honesty in return has never been too shocking for me until now. honesty flooded my minds more queries than answers…and when it’s suppose to relax, it’s soaked in confusion more.
it was wrong from the very start…as a matter of fact, nothing was right with all that there was…maybe becoz i came from a break-up, or maybe i needed somebody there for me, maybe it’s becoz of the challenge– whatever maybes i have, what i felt was real, whatever it was, and i was willing to defy the odds between us.
you can’t have what’s not yours and there are things you just can’t force to happen, no matter how you believe you were raised well to deserve it. i have seen this ending many times in my head but refused to watch it closely…i just told my self , “it won’t be that soon.”…
…too much emotions… much have been given and friendships sacrificed that only now I realize none of it was worth it …. yanking i am not because of the end but because i kept on pretending everything was ok…when it was not…that i didn’t mind the realities of honesty…that i should have listened to those who told me to let go ..that i kept justifying everything wrongly…that i see now what those who saw in me while i was soo stubborn with everything…
“never say never”..but it’s about time that i say “never” and mean it by heart ..specially when he said he has found somebody who he wants to spend his whole life with and they’re on their way there… yup! it’s about time to let go , it’s the only way I can move on..