Friday, May 21, 2010


(March 1st, 2009)

if only the liquour have not reached my brains i would have held inhibited from the urge of splurging all the thoughts i have in me..

if there’s one thing a particular person told me…it’s the very thing he said that “the most effective way to hurt yourself is to expect a lot of things from people…to actually refrain from making them the person like you are…because the moment you do , that’s when the frustration sets it….”

has told me a lot times about that..”not to expect much from people”:…and no matter how much i have thought of him as someone as a mere stranger now…because i believe both of us are happy now, at particular times i realize, i have remembered him much on his thoughts of protecting myself…i remembered because i was with some persons now who i just realize were not actually who (or what ) i perceived myself to them…

maybe there will always be people like matter how i try to believe that my little own world is ideal…although i believe that trying is not bad…it’s just frustrating when reality sets in and its far from yo thought…and it’s scary when paranoia opens possibility of something worse..

(i remain to mask my thoughts…and when i do, i do it because i will definitely hurt feelings..step on ego’s ….push some persons into looking at themselves differently….)
but see… no matter how i appear to be unconditional to many personal circumstances…no matter how ok and remembering i am…i will never be able to deny that the person i am, will be the same way i perceive other persons to be…and the curtains just automatically fall the moment i realize, things are not just the way it is on my mind….

and that figure will always be my mentor when it comes to this…no matter how unacceptable his reasons behind were ..and no matter how absurd the facts according to him were…this thinking are the ones i am thanking him for..

but i believe im a failure in his subject..never even got close to having a grade of B…otherwise this blog wouldn’t have been written in the first place…
those ways are yet for me to learn.. the moment i succumb to that without being intoxicated…

but then again…maybe it’s just because of the DAY that i expected a lot, without knowing that i was… thinking that years ago, i screamed with pillows on my mouth for not being able to receive the phone call i much expected…years ago that i expected a surprise but ended up pleading for time and being glared at for disturbing work… year ago that i didn’t get even a little notice…and now that i don’t have a hint of recall at all…..

…well…maybe it’s just the liquor………it probably is…

… in time….

( February 18th, 2009)

And like they say…it has just sank in…..

it has never ceased to amaze me…how he could actually be somebody i perceived to be with ….somebody who takes care of me even on places i deem my territory …someone who i can watch laughing with my parents from a distance…someone who rushes upon hearing a glass broke on my foot….someone who would dare to be with me on stressful moments with friends … someone who memorizes the names of my friends and the occasions in their lives more than i do…someone who loves me beyond words and beyond what I can imagine…someone who’ll take a second breath for me…..

and all of the amazing things i have imagined i’d be in… i finally felt it…without much effort ….like they say, everything will just fall in the right places at the right time….

ten years of friendship…of years just goofing around, struggling for identity…running to each other at times of pain …and boasting on each other’s achievements…

i remember our careers changed on our pursuit to fulfill our family’s dreams…but at times he’s around the corner, he manages to squeeze us in his time….and everytime he does, I never stopped looking at him as a good half…even at times we were committed to somebody else..

it’s funny remembering that we were never both single at the same time until now…(well, before we dated)…

and it will always be nice to remember that amidst the attraction…both of us did not dare to go beyond our lines…we kept the friendship…kept watching each other’s back…enjoyed each other’s company without fear of judgment even atthe differences we have…laughed at each other’s ridiculous gestures..

but so they say… you just cannot have everything… there are major choices that entails big sacrifices…and no matter how I tried to run from reality…trying to defy time.. it seemed written all over the place…

how do you reconcile a future you have built in your mind for so long from something that is offered differently…how long can someone remain to be on control of her destiny…how strong can unexpected realities be…how can two choices so fulfilling be so hard to combine…that the vital element of the two is impossible to bring together…..that choosing one will leave a good half of me … will i be strong enough to pass the burden….

in time…i will be able to blurt the exact words from my mouth…as soon as I can force to say it even to myself.. the moment I will also be able to find the answers to my questions.. .

it is when i am scared with words that i put so much effort in masking my thoughts…

i am happy…that closing my eyes, the visions are still clear of what I want us to be…I have become a stronger person…with him, I learned to be really better…

….that I believed again that all things in life are simple, it’s us who make it complicated…

… that when you are nice to people, they will be nice to you…and if they’re not, then it’s sad for them …

…that we all have flaws and the best way to be secured with yourself is to acknowledge that we are not perfect ..

…and that we can be laughed at because of our imperfections and we can laugh with them …

…that our flaws will not be the measure of our character…

…and that emotions are REAL, that it should be taken cared of..

And with that, i remain smiling still in this blissful moment……..

risking again….

(December 23rd, 2008)

i’m just trying to beat the sleepiness off…everything has been a bliss…it was something I never expected again to happen…but it just did..

“he lets me love him without losing myself in the process…”..for the first time, i mean it when i say this…i used to say that and believed that it was real …but it wasn’t….this time, it just wasn’t what i wanted to believe in …one of my thousand ideals…this time it’s real… absolutely………

the minute he stepped again on our doorway..and i knew then it would lead to something really special…

for many times, i have been so transparent of what i felt about someone…to the extent that it was meant to force others that who i was with was worth all the affection…but then again, no matter how flowery i become…or how melodic my essays be…happiness can never be simulated ….no matter how i create literary illusions of what i had, the sigh i have proves otherwise..

2 years ago (2006)…i spent the rest of Christmas eve with this guy…after someone broke my ideals in Christmas..i remembered being upset early .. felt alone, …surprised with a gift i really loved to have, but being left quickly…i expected to have spent the special day with someone, but he had other plans ….

then out of the blue…this friend came…probably because he had no one to spend the holiday eve with….he saw the expression i had…the sight of solitude…i didn’t have to tell further…over a wine and food…we spent the whole night (until literary the sun rose) talking about our lives….

he has been always there for me…my knight in times of distress each time that i was torn into pieces…for years, he had seen the worst of me.. and the best that I have become…for years, he knew what would interest and frustrate me….we matured together, had fun in the simplest things we have together, and were witnesses of each other’s time of love and hurdling hurt that comes with it…

for years, i have drawn a line between us…i refuse to go a step higher with friends…childish it may sound, but i didn’t want to ruin a very special friendship….each time he’s around,i drop all my schedules and storm the streets with him….i am myself when i’m with him…not underestimated…not looked down…not taken for granted.

and then suddenly things changed….as much as i tried stopping it…not because i didn’t want it, but because i didn’t want another guy to drop my defenses again…NOT again…i didn’t want to start believing to another person’s words again…i didn’t want to get tangled with loyalty again…i stopped believing anymore that people can actually be truthful…i stopped believing i could trust again…

but then again…persistence and consistency is irresistible….and blessings from special people are enough to look at it in a different light…i might have been blind for a while of something / someone that has been of reach for so long….someone whose flaws are bearable …someone whose presence i will always feel, even without saying… i have been so fascinated of people who can sweep me off my feet…awed with who can lure like in movies…can give me the challenge i deniably seek.. that i forgot the essentials this person knows i speak all the time…he knows that he is..

how could have i glanced from afar for when what i deserved was just right before me all along…

…it’s heartwarming seeing him blend in my world…for years, it was only me, him and childhood friends….now he starts reaching in my world, and knowing the people i deem special…something i have always wanted to see, without asking…

when i look back, i smile at what i had…i had a great share of happiness and i had a lot of hurts …but i survived them all …what we had with persons who we didn’t last with, are meant to teach us about ourselves, that i will always be thankful for….it will always remind me of what i want much and what i will never want.

skeptics say that such is too early to tell.. nevertheless, i’m keeping this one…they say to be happy is risking getting hurt again… then, so BE it….And if such follows contentment, then i’m willing to lay all the cards i have…just to have a good ending with this one….

Learning from “Sex and the City”..

(June 1st, 2008 )

Ivy was a fan of the series, not me…I was more of the fiction freak than the reality..but I must admit that watching the flick felt good …i believe for women who had a lot of things in their way.

It was nice watching ‘female norms”…and felt good knowing that what I went through was universal. “Things happens for a reason”…that is one thing we should accept, regardless of what gender is, no matter how unbelievable it is. Like Carrie said, “things just happen…no matter how she did not believe it…and our lives will continue if we decide it to…and happiness is more of a choice rather than a destiny”

And just last entry was in 2007 and I couldn’t lift a finger to write a blog again because pride stopped didn’t want me to become so transparent again.. feared that it will send wrong signals…but then again, it has been 5 months…and I couldn’t care less anymore.

Tomorrow is already june 1, and as much as I wanted to leave (talk about rescheduled appointments), God had other plans for me. The opening school year will be different from now on..that I know. The last semester and summer was a struggle for me, whether I speak of it or not..and as to able to have survived it all..i believe I did.

Am I stronger now? Happier now?…i believe I am…so as I will be missing a lot of what I poured my emotions for. The new semester offers a new start…a fresh one…looking back at what I had will always be the measurement of my becoming a better mentor…and looking back will always be a good measure of my happiness.

And to the million dollar question every eye pokes when I am around….yes, everything is OK.. things may not be the way they are but trust me…it is ok. Whatever it was, it’s already in it’s right place…and because of time, it seeks and will seek nothing anymore. I will always look back to what it made me smile for., every reason I could remember..because those are the things that should be thought of (nothing else should be pondered more)…how I shared my profession and my students with…nobody has come close to playing around with my students whether during my lectures or my duty …no one has come close to making me laugh with the surprises at work ….and no one has come close to my want to challenge another wit and my want to tease because it is necessary to break the arrogance …….these I have to admit..i do acknowledge everything. I don’t throw away the good stuff, .i learn from what is not. Things are new now and it may soon become unnoticed just like it was before…surprisingly, the last sight made me smile….and it will make me smile… I believe .

The new semester breaks me away from the comfort group I had. Funny, knowing that I was them in 2 semesters and just when I was single and free that I was able to enjoy the genuine friendship with them…friendship that was not even planned. Knowing them was unexplainable and the feeling is indescribable..that kept me interested and enjoying what I had at work:

· Ivy - nope she is not part of the DOMENG team but she has been one of the best friends I ever had. Met her back in nursing school when I needed a lab gown and a sorority friend knew her. She has been my strength a times I lost myself. The first time she had to pull me was when I was in MN class all lost and …wandering. She will always be an ally…whatever or whoever will temporary set us apart.

· Donna – the loud, funny and loving friend I have. It took one coffee at “Kopi Roti” to realize that we can actually be more than just co-workers. She is the joy of the group and her absence will really make us miss her. Her mouth is unstoppable and there will be no other person who can come close to make us all laugh. It will only be HER. But she turned out to be really special and knowing her made me regret that I stopped my self reaching out to them before. Circumstances made me do that.

· Jo Irene – the person having the odd laughter. she was my classmate but we weren’t that close like now. Jo is sweet and “mataray “ at the same time. She warned me..i did not listen..she continued to warn me..i refused still to listen.hehehe… she is the has no talent in hiding what she feels that who could snap at you if she didn’t like you and that makes her really special.

·Brok – the pretty and the most dainty, id like to believe. Simple life..simple thoughts..classic principles…and fabulous comic act.. she is the friend you read in novels..always emotional on things..gets upset but would rather be silent… she substitutes donna when she is not around.

· Charisse- “ ang inchik”…I couldn’t say anything else. The toddler whose height is 6 plus…who shrieks coz she is fat when she is size 24 and screams because she’s dark already when she is the lightest among us…haaayyy….she talks 500 words per minute…plays anything that is fun and snaps at something that is offensive to her. She is the baby among the group…who we love to annoy a lot.

· Rose Tuloy – i tell her my emotions at the most odd during CHN duties or COPAR..weird…we do not hang out much outside the workplace ..and that’s understandable..but the friendship will always be special. We exchange notes and emotions…and learn always. She’s the voluptuous among the group …and the sassiest.

· May – ok we call her “gerzon”..i like calling her gerzon..hehehe..who wouldn’t notice her..the stature and the eyerbrows..and the sharp tongue. .she is the most mature among us, no one would contest that…always reminds us of our age. Her words pacify our immatureness often..and somehow, our jokes makes her calm in her anger. She is motherly and funky at the same time..hehehe…we make her young..period.

· Topen: the male counterpart of charisse. He will make fun of anything and EVERYTHING he sees..including US..and it will just make us laugh. He substitutes donna in her absence..and whose energy is always on the rise. Sweet..goodlooking..funny and stress-free person who is serious about his plans in life….

· Haidee – adopted from Paolo’s group..mataray pretty mom who listens to me and tells me things at the right time..ninang ako ng baby nya..hehehe

· Malou – it was her that I have when I ran away from reality just to escape everything…what she had was incomparable to what I went though..and it made me strong. She is the pretty mom with a tiny physique but with the strongest personality because of what she had. She panicks for me..hahaha…even at time I wouldn’t even regard panicking about.. but it’s nice and heartwarming

· Princess - the “out of this world” lady who gets anything because of her style and unique ilongga “style”..she will make you laugh and wonder what you laughed about

· Polly – she laughs, laughs loud..laughs without poise..than she asks suddenly what we are laughing about and what she is laughing about…funny and bubbly and always smiling..yup that’s her…always there to listen and to comment when we needed it badly

· Janet – has her own world..but I remember sharing time with her before…during on of the duties..she is special..and a loyal friend..she is fierce and it’s not bad at all

· Domeng – the reason all of the girls above became friends……he is friend even before..he doesn’t give advices when I need it because he thinks I can always manage things…it is when I am sober and strong that he give his thoughts for me…

And there are other more friends who is of the same degree of being special to me like them…but these people I will miss because I will no longer be in the same schedule with them…though I will see them still often. I will miss having lunch with them all ..or merely having a headache planning where to go during lunchbreaks.

Life gave me something I never imagined possible…it taught me something I wouldn’t have learned alone…it made me clear to me what I want and maed me rememeber what I did not….

New supervisor friends…Haven’t even started but they already made me interested…..that it made me write again.

What DiD i Get….?

(December 30th, 2007 )

i hate it when i’m left at my pc and emotions just keep rushing in…tomorrow is 2008..and as much as I prevent myself from looking back at 2007 (like all the TV programs do..), I just cant…

I have been through a LOT ..hehehe…that’s all…

and many have been offering their support and love, and I appreciate it sooo much….but I don’t know if they really understand what I just went through…as they say, each experience is unique.

but I have been relieved…I have forgiven. Forgiveness has been asked (thank you for that…it wasn’t easy I know) . Whether it was asked with sincerity or not, forgiveness is something you have no choice but to give to…hoarding it will just make you feel all the hurt again and again. Forgiving is the start of trying to forget everything. ..( besides, a wrong decision will never make me stop enjoying life)

and as to lessons…yeah I have learned a few…that if there is one mistake in your whole lifetime that you can tolerate, it is when you are kind even to those who are undeserving.

that one should remain to love herself …one should never forget that AT ALL TIMES (and at all cost). Strong women tend to rationalize all the time and think they still have the respect for themselves but when you start doing things beyond what you believed for so long, beyond your own principles, when you become the person who you warn your troubled friends about and you deny it to yourself even how obvious it is…then you have lost yourself while loving others.

that there are things that are beyond your control… accept it and drop it. You can’t change a person…you can only wish they will for you…you can only forgive and if they don’t change, then you are NOT the One (even if you think you were raised well to deserve it). It’s never wrong to risk loving (that’s what they say)…but there’s a limitation to risking just for things to work out. Trust your instincts, they are not synonymous to paranoia…don’t ever believe that explanation. No one is perfect (i have my shortcomings) but all are due with some degree of respect.

that no one will protect yourself but you alone…putting your guards totally down coz of trust will result to something more hurting to yourself only…

that one should learn how not to give a damn at everything..hehehe…whether expressing oneself makes that bad person rejoice over something he triumphed on you about…So what? Send the message across… keeping it and keeping your pride (so they say) won’t change things anyway. If they rejoice over your woes, then you will prove to yourself the truth behind the lies…you will learn then to smile.

that when you listen to your friends….put all that has been said in your mind, no matter how unbelievable it is. They have known you for so long and you have been through a lot with them together.. they have all the credibility to say things to you.. they see more than you do.

And always PRAY…for understanding, strength and guidance…to make you see things positively all the time…to keep respecting boundaries and learning to appreciate still the source of your weeping (hate the game, not the player). Praying never fails.


(December 10th, 20070

last saturday, i went to petite’s birthday bash, a dear college friend in up..

“it’s good that you’re back…” for 3 meets with separate set of old friends, i have been told of…and amidst the party roar, involuntary thoughts just rushed……. .

there was some point, i asked god what He wanted to tell me…i begged that i would understand His purpose for everything that He just made me underwent….

i believed before that i was soo much in control of my life and my choices and at the same time i recognized that wisdom to do such came from Him…with all that just happened, i now couldn’t understand where He is leading me to…amidst all emotions, i never dared to question Him, but in desperation i did ask Him to make me understand
what is this all for….

before, i knew who i was, inside out…. i knew what people liked about me…i knew my strengths and my weaknesses…i knew what my principles in life are and my ideals…i knew what i wanted to do and how to do it…i knew life the way i want to live ….. and that was what i wanted to share

but then somewhere along the line… i met a person who made me realize that it may not be like that all the time….we make choices that would make us do otherwise for something we would think would be more fulfilling…that unnoticingly, the strong persona u had will be altered and placed on the side…

to have that change was a decision …. an unavoidable choice…but coupled with that change are reactions from people who i have been with for a long time……….and for some reason, the only way to protect all of them from a dreadful answer are closed eyes and ears.. and hope that they will understand.

but i keep on learning….no, i don’t regret the choices i made, the sacrifices that i had to do, the life i tried to live, the man i fought for ….for it all felt right at the time it was made…while others perceive that my emotions may be betraying me but how else would you do it…like i always say , my emotions will always make me feel human…

i am slowly picking up my pieces and getting my old self back… appreciating each piece more….i enjoy life with friends, i pull them out of their places… i stress my
self with them again….. i couldn’t believe i am with them again considering my
long absence…….

i can open my mind to a lot of possibilities…but my emotions will overrule them…i was complete when all of these came…i held on to what i had because i wanna share my completeness with though i have been alone all along, struggling to prove to everyone that what i had was different and special ……now, i am complete still…

and with that, the blessings just came pouring in.


(December 3rd, 2007)

i just woke up in the middle of the night again but this time with emotions that are human…no i am not indespair much …and i would wish to hold my peace but sometimes i think, it would be really unfair to myself…I have held my peace for so long…but human as I am…there are confessions that just will break the tie….

things have been really whirlwind lately and what was not meant to be should not be continued… i had only 2 choices…to let myself be affected with the aftermath or not… but how can you choose to be not affected in a snap when the lies keep on surfacing…all those secrets of flirtations to others in the time that was officially mine are unveiled from the recepients and the accessories of the act themselves…that when i thought i had so much pride before.. all along, i had actually had none. But there is no use to hurdle those anymore…there is nothing i can do about it….everything was underestimated including myself….

i will never understand the need of constant self ego check…and I will never attempt
to accept it again…

(……..there are moments I want to tell you exactly the kind of person you are..because probably no one very dared to tell you so far …)

and when i am about to move on…… has not been over a month yet and now i have been informed that a new beginning with another person has been happening for a week….and now i feel soo stupid…fooled will be the right term… coz until the last minute words to me, they just proved to be lies after all…they proved to be crafted all along …. because a confession has been made that prior to that,she was lured while i was still D one.

Much more its sad that the ethics on separation was not mutual as well….when i chose to be silent to prove that i am ok …. i am stripping respect which what i owe to myself badly.

when i am about to begin stepping forward …bringing with me what i thought was real…i am pulled again backwards…not because i am weak and letting myself pulled by them but because it is wrong to step forward with a wrong perception still….the evidences will speak for themselves…

the questions I have will always haunt me….but I refuse to dwell on it…this will be the last time I will step back..

amidst all, i wish happiness for us all…that i can be proud to be honest about.

just thoughts…..

(November 23rd, 2007)

there times where id like to
get it all out of my system because i think i all have the right to…but for
some reason i just cannot… for until now, i helplessly keep on protecting…when
i thought i didn’t push the issue further, i assumed it won’t be done again
since at this age, there should be less talk to give a mandate…but it was
assumed differently, apparently it was deemed “tolerating”…and that it was all
ok…when ideally, it was worth condemning….

and the fat lady sang….

(November 8th, 2007)

…just when i thot that things will remain the way it is…God has other plans. i don’t hurdle grudges..i don’t hurdle any negative thoughts…no matter how strong they are unsolicitedly given..for i believe, what i had was worth it.. even if it was not bound to flourish.

sometimes it just gets soo confusing….

(August 2nd, 2007)

when the skies are being stared blankly in the the middle of the night..thoughts of what the future has races like little kids rushing to their mother…..for someone whose life has been planned eversince, uncertainty poses numbness …when things are beyond one’s control, things get shattery… anything to that account…

but who said, somebody could predict behaviors or the future itself?…assumptions are based on history, it might be repeated again or you just have to believe that it will not. but what choice of thought will you make?

then you turn to yourself…what do you have? what have you become? do you like what you have? for a long time, you felt good about yourself but what if they still find you not enough? only those who are not secured about themselves gets intimidated…but ones happiness is not exactly shared with others, what then will it be?

nobody is perfect neither is happiness…such thought has to be repeated to oneself all over again…even to those who think they have mastered the norms of humanity…when you have anticipated things to be beyond your control, it still breaks you when it unfolds …to whatever degree, it will still…and if you don’t stand again, or just even try, you will lose even the respect you owe yourself…

come to think of it, have you?

so i learn ……………..

December 26th, 2006

my ears heighten everytime a vehicle passes by…obviously waiting for the bombarding growl of his car signaling his presence…and how glad i become more with what comes after the roar…and this night wasn’t an exception…

maybe it’s exaggeration but the absence does make the heart grow fonder…in my case, it has become erratic….but maybe he’s right… they are…that to due idealisms that the expectations heighten…and while it has not been met, grief will take place…

reasons boil down to being new…this has always been what dwelled in my mind…and as it unfolds, it becomes the source of happiness which transcends into moods…with the desire to feel it as each rise of the sun that at times it doesn’t, the soul becomes untranquilized…….

but understanding is a virtue challenged all the time… strengthened by unconditioned devotion and love to its most sincere form….then little by little the bewildered heart succumbs to what idealisms refuse to teach…that blinds the seer of what is real… and existent……

i have lived in fairytales…in mermaids…in books …in movies….and now i realize that fulfillment is not hundred percent equated with such…that it can equate and even surpassed by reality……. different process and ways are far more joyous than what the mind imagined…

yes i am learning…still struggling, but continues to will…and as long i undoubtedly feel so much for him….i still will….

little love story #2

(December 21st, 2006)

It was another Sunday..finally, another off day for them. They have been attending wednesday masses at St. Jude but they haven’t heard a Sunday mass together before. They were out saturday night but had promised to go to mass the Sunday no matter what..

He woke up earlier, as usual that when she greeted her good morning the SMS way (and it makes her day so right), he has already dressed up. No much time for picking her up, so they decided to meet at the church instead. Always excited to see soon as the cab parked at the holy premises of St. Paul, there he was waiting for her with a smile on his face as the sun’s rays streaked at him, beaming the fa├žade of the guy she fell in love with.

He held her hand…and led her inside the church. She was used to sitting at the rear portion of the church with her family but this time, she was led by him instead at the center benches fronting the altar…

All her life she has always been adventurous in learning a lot of things ..a lot about life. She has always been very vocal to her friends about sign languaging ..and has always vowed that after all the exams her profession requires her, she will undergo training on sign languages…

She has been aware of his knowledge about sign languages.. it added more substance to his personality, she thought.

Then her thoughts were halted when the singing of bells filled the whole place…the mass is starting. As she opened my mouth to sing the entrance hymn, togther with all who were inside the church…..he started singing also… and to her amazement., he was moving all his upper limbs …practically doing in gestures what everyone he was singing…HE WAS SIGN LANGUAGING..

Then she looked at the other person beside her..she was doing the same thing without uttering the words…so was the person at her back and infront of her. And then she realized..they were actually seated at a very special place in the church….it was the benches assigned to the deaf and mute…and then she was in awe knowing the her boyfriend knew more than she actually thought on sign languages…

Then at after the gospel…as everyone stood up to sing another holy hymn …he stood up…and then suddenly, he went up front the altar near the priest to practically, translate it for the deaf and mute…

And her vision zeroed in to him as fast as her thought filled her…she felt very proud… she felt happy knowing that the interest she had in mind doing was actually what he was practicing for a long time.. and even if he didn’t sit beside her much or went with her during communion… it didn’t matter…

It was a new experience for her…being able to actually be there. She told him…when she thought that she felt so belonged in almost all groups or places she went to…she never thought there would be one place where she would feel left out….it was there.

After the mass, she gave him a quick kiss…and told him of the new experience…and felt soo lucky to be with somebody who shares the same passion and interest in looking and living life ….

“life is full of surprises….and among all the sudden interest that propels my mind and heart to taste and savor life…. knowing and sharing my days with him has been yet the best and most loving experience so far..”

little love story # 1…

(October 12th, 2006)

.it was sunday afternoon…when she went to his place after a family affair hoping to go out for a movie since it has been 3 days since they haven’t seen each other….

….there he was, still sleepy …an aura of no plans of getting out of his place and tire his feet in the streets..she thought, "well , so long as i’m with him…."

then after few of hours of practically cuddling each other, he said "why don’t we go upstairs…" (an open balcony is upstairs…)…so they went holding her hand..making sure she steps on the stairs safely..

..then they sat on the chair with the view of the city…it was almost sunset..then he went downstairs..she was left alone wondering if there would be a chance to actually go out for a movie again..or a drink..or anything else…

…but as her head raised and her brows she turned around, she saw him with a tray of food (it was almost dinner time..she just realized)….walked towards her with a sweet grin on his face…loving the surprise look on her face… the tray is laid on the the table, he started setting the table….making sure that I eat well..

…he stepped a little…then she heard the lines a a very familiar song

"..been running from this feeling for so long..

telling my heart i didn’t need you…

pretending, i was better off alone…but i know it’s just a lie..

so afraid of taking my chance afraid of what i feel inside..

coz i need to be next to you………."

……and she smiled and laughed and he gave her a big quick kiss.. it was her song for him…the one she played on his car over and over and over again….the started remembering the part where they met and how each thought of the other..then then they talked about how they almost gave up at the start of their relationship they both were fascinated with…… fast as the kisses were exchanged were the talk on what they felt for each other…..

…she felt love on that moment..and it felt good loving at that moment…that when she wanted a day with him in the movies or walking in malls…a very serious and romantic conversation was far more better….she never expected that something so simple could be really heartwarming….it felt good knowing him and his thoughts, it felt good letting down her guards and unleashing both her contrasting and congruent principles…it felt good knowing that amidst the differences, the desire to complement and meet halfway is magical…

..then at that moment she felt that what she had with him was really different..that it felt good knowing he thinks and does what she desires him to do without even telling him first………..that magic does exist even if you don’t will it

…it seemed an ordinary sunday afternoon..but at that particular moment..that sunday was no ordinary sunday at all…

how do u make it work?

(May 4th, 2006)

     When your in a relationship, do u really lose yourself in the process? some of us would say that true love doesn’t entail one to…but really is there something called “loving somebody without changing yourself?”… maybe for something you want soo bad to workout, compromising your preferences plays a vital role. even though partners look into each other’s eyes and magically feel their other halves, we cannot change the fact that they are still two different individuals having different point of views on certain ideals and even lifestyles…
      But up to what extent does one have to compromise?.. would love cover up for the discontentment….if it does, for how long? would you like your partner to change for you…or better yet, compromise his happiness just to make you happy? would you want to deprive your partner of his ways which have made him the person you appreciated? would you want to go halfway of experiencing the thrill that defined your view on fulfilment?
     Should one refuse to change her ways…would she be willing to accept her partner’s different ways in contrast to hers? would she want no compromises when her partner’s happiness is unmistakeably divergent?

   And the queries goes infinite….the thought hurts my head as i make yours hurt too….

      I guess, the greatest challenge is make each other understand the differences…and yes i hate to say this but compromise…compromise with respect and not with grudges…do not swallow your pride if it is the one that keeps you whole…but do not hold it headstrong to ignore the needs of your partner….

        Falling inlove is easy…finding somebody worth it is nerve wracking.. getting into a relationship is manageable…but keeping it is a challenge…and when you thought you’ve been there before, you’ll find out that you’ll still have a hard time understanding and analyzing your actions and your partner’s…. then you realize that somehow, some things you learned before cannot help in anyway with what you have now.

       And i suppose there are no definite answers to my questions for one will only understand the complexity of things when one is faced with such issues…people in the right streams would be predictable …but those also faced with such would be left awed and act as the case unfold in their very eyes….yup, just cross the bridge when you get there……….

      And as the books say, in contrast or congruence with minds who give this details their utmost attention…
     If it what you have is worth keeping , then you will enjoy life with your partner and the patching up the differences may not be as complicated as it may seem…

for ReaL

(April 29th, 2006)

in so far that i have been back with a bad experience from something i prepared for a long time…he has been there to remind me that life is still worth enjoying…he has been not just my strength but the air that i breathe…

but am i worthy of it all.. when i though i have been through this, it seemed that i am starting…i have been used to enjoying everyday life on my own…even having partners not physically with me, not that i regret it…but i enjoyed literal freedom in commitment….now i am adjusting, though this has been all that i wondered before… i am scrambling for i feel everything i do seemed at all times incorrect….i am enjoying myself with this special person… i am enjoying not holding back my thoughts and actions, speaking my mind, allowing my reflexes to just flow …..let my family be themselves ….without much arguments in return.. until when he can understand.. i can only wonder…

i am feeling soo special that i begin to question if i am doing the same…eveytime my sincerity is limelighted , i shatter…that everything i say seemed for him just for the sake of saying…. it matters that he believes…that it’s sad thinking that maybe i’m giving the wrong signals coz it was the best i cud…my head hurts thinking about it…when i have been used to giving it all, this time it seemed that my all isn’t enough…i again cared soo much for somebody and his happiness will be all that will matter…

and everyday im with this special person, i see the world differently that amidst all the seemed to be endless challenges – life still is beautiful…that to those who believe that it should be shared with someone, life is definitely worth enjoying…and that i continue to believe that we don’t need somebody to make us feel complete but life is having someone to share our completeness with…

i am still vulnerable as ever and my ideals continue to make my mind doubt at times when odds seems not to conform with…and whatever past will unfold, his or mine, might try to break us ..but i guess the key to everything is believing that if you will for something to be alright , then it will…that amidst the differences, everything will go smoothly if you both believe and work had that it will…….

yes the world is circle…. for it took me long to smile and trust again…and when we think at one point, we got hurt so bad that it pains even by just breathing… we learn to love ourselves more…

i remember telling myself before that there are just some things we can’t have even if we believe we were raised well to deserve it…now i know ….. it’s because we deserved more.


(April 3rd, 2006)

it was soo fast that i didnt know it was coming…before i knew it, there it was and it was too good to be true…as i thought i would embrace it in an instant, my limbs squealed as my mind told it to hold and step backward….horrific figures continue to linger that it controls all my systems…

as to when that significant person can hold on…i could only wonder…don’t know if i have to stand up for that again for as far as i can remember, it was always what i did…or see that peson stand on his own to prove that he can build me castles in the sky…

tooo complicated…so much mixed emotions and it hasn’t been officially starting……

same manner …..

(April 2nd, 2006)

I was lurking in the dark for sometime and found glittering threads which somehow paced a smile on my face…I learned to stop waddling and face each day in a positive way…it was self regained once again…still haunted but have managed somehow to sweep a lot of things aside… it was the most unpopular strategy to move on which came in really handy….

but as I placed both of my feet on the ground…i am being tested again…a tear has to be wiped to forget how it came there in the first place …. and that is putting a scare on me now…this was just like before…exactly the same…the words..the gestures, even how my mind is being read…

and in the exact manner..i am responding…in the same exact manner i am holding the same exact manner i am denying everything to myself…trying hard to draw lines for reasons of history repeating itself…and i am exhausted…very exhausted

but as i write this entry..i am getting more scared for the only gauge that I have of being there again is when i am being disturbed sooo much at times when i become unnoticed..and a few minutes ago, just few minutes ago… my mood fluctuated with that..

this is giving me the creeps ….for in the same exact manner I could not distinguish again truth from fallacy..and in the same exact manner, i have become vulnerable again without knowing …….=(

Room 3204 and the rest of Manila……..

( March 12th, 2006)

I left for manila 5am of 24th of February with a sole conviction that I will ace a qualifying exam…I went with Cris, who I laughed with a lot during the flight… we were on board “Asian Spirit“…it was the first time that I had a flight were I can feel the plane battling with the wind as it soared, as in really felt the winds there….that had us awake for 1 hour and 45 minutes..

Cris and I argued all the time, but we went along well. We just had to shout to speak with each other, more of like yelling at each was not intentional nor was it offensive, we were laughing all the time. When we landed in Manila (the plane i mean), we waited for Anne, a friend of mine from UP, who was kind enough to take us to Ortigas.

Then I saw Emerald Avenue..then Taipan Place…this is where I will be reviewing and taking my exam (i told myself)…all I knew was my neck hurt when I tried to get a glimpse of the top of the building……..then we proceeded to our place..the Mega Plaza…my room was on the 32nd floor. Gary, another scholar, guided our way to the place…

I wasn’t able to get in my room, so I had to store my luggage in the boys’ room. Gary will have to introduce me to my roommates. I was starving to death, so we had to grab something. Unexpectedly, a girl came to talk to Gary. Then I was introduced that she was one of my roommates, Daphny. Thank God she’s from Davao.

Then we went back to the room, I had to take my stuff there. Room 3204…that will be my room…I saw 2 fully airconditioned bedrooms with 4 residents (4 beds)..1 shower area, 2 rest rooms…a sala with 1 huge TV and a family size ref…not bad at all. Then a girl came in, she was Jan…a girl who spoke the Illonggo dialect….to my surprise, Daphny spoke the dialect too.

At the end of the day, I refused to go out with my UP friends…I said I had to meet my roommates…I met Eden and Faith at the GSA office, where we did our review classes. Faith smiled right away, Eden did not – although it was her name that I remembered most of the time. One thing I noticed again, they spoke Illonggo.

I felt so much like a stranger,I didn’t like it at first.…I knew no one. I wanted Cris to be my roommate but it wasn’t allowed. I wish I came together with the Davao Team…i had a blast with them last december in Cebu…

The first night was ok. I went there after dinner and found my roommates preparing to throw the garbage. I was introduced to the rest of the girls, Karen, Reina and Rhea (but I had to ask Daphy again and again for their names)…I began to talk to them, in my own dialect…they were all Illonggos or came from provinces having the same dialect.

The next day was ok .. then I realized they were nice. I woke up seeing them having their breakfast …I was aloof at first as to where I will sit but Faith read my mind well, she told me to get a chair and sit with them. Then little stories were exchanged, I listened most of the time, trying hard to understand them…I couldn’t understand “subong, pamangkot, saot…”… but I tried catching up with them. Then at 8:15, we went down and walked to Taipan Place. Cris had to go with us, but he spoke their dialect well…so did Gary !!

I spent my Friday night with the UP pipol who I haven’t been with for soo long. It was a long time when we enjoyed the nights till the sun rises up…the difference now is that were in the streets of Manila…it was like enjoying each other’s company like no tomorrow….it was like good old college days…i miss it sooo bad.

Then next day I went back to my place and found my roommates studying… I had lunch with them, i couldn’t eat alone and Cris was nowhere to be found…the next day, I went to mass with my roommates. And without me noticing it, the friendship just fell into places. My birthday came and we ate pizza goofing around with one of the cutie waiters..hehehe. Added to what made me soo happy knowing that the 2 most significant persons (who had the biggest impact on me — kinda ) greeted me – one called me and the other just sent a message. It was enough to lit my day…I had a pizza dinner with my roommates and another new friend – Mother Nelson who I call Brijette who became my best ally when I want to relax.. when i had to exhale stress out of my system..

I couldn’t remember how I got comfortable with them, to the most genuine sense. It was so magical how everything fell into place. They are nice and wonderful people…. Sometimes, I felt different from them… but then quickly realized that I was not…When at first i adjusted a lot, at the later part…i was enjoying myself with them. I began to like them so much that going home posed sadness…I will be with them soon again…it was just 14 days with them..and i felt attached already…

Daphny. It was her who made sure that I was comfortable in the room, thanks to her. It was her who made sure that I talk and converse.The first night, I caught her reading the book “ The Purpose Driven Life” and highlighting a lot of lines…she shares with me everything she reads nice about God…I am not used to that…but Daphy gave me lines which are apt to our case. Later on, she became our cook whose so concerned about not being able to go home early and not being able to cook for us.

Faith. I’d like to be like her if I get to be a mother…or when I get to her age. She reminded me of a former classmate. Hannah. Faith has the gift to make people comfortable with her…she can kid around still with a lot of people younger than her. Sometimes, she gets motherly evident but it’s amazing how despite of her maturity , enjoys the company of those who are younger than her ..and vice versa. And I know, she will understand what i’m emotionally battling with right now…

Eden. It was hard talking to her at first because she seemed to be the quite type. But I guess , looks do deceive…hehehe. She was no quiet person, well to us. When she brought her rice cooker in the room, it seemed spooked her. She became a dynamite and suddenly, I realized she was a fun person after all. She speaks to me in pure Illonggo dialect and I could say, it was from her that I learned a lot. I had to remember a lot of the words she used and verify with Daphny as to what it really meant. Cooking with her was hilarious, specially the last 2 nights I was with them. I missed her the night she did not come home, in all honestly. When she came back, dinner was like fiesta…even if we had 2 new roommates. And when she texted me the day I was leaving…i was soooo touched ….

Jan. I exchanged love experiences with’s melodrama sort of. She had this collection of love compo printed from her PC and I fell in love with 2 of them. I couldn’t help sharing with her the stupidity I did for love and how it hurt so bad…and she too did the same. . the honesty was one thing I cherished and her not being judgemental…i like the way we talk about cheating partners…hehehe

Reina. I see myself in her… just tamer. Or better yet, maybe I don’t just know her that much yet… i like the way she holds back her thoughts and the way she does not hesitate saying what’s in her mind.. …i like the way she looks so fragile and modern at the same time..i like her confidence when it comes to her body..i can see it by the way she picks and wears her wardrobe…i love how our minds meet when we talk about relationships and boys…and cheating partners too… hehehe

Karen. I call her bata not just because she’s the youngest but because her small stature projects a child persona. Her innocence is funny like when she talks a lot in the elevator (in her dialect) and it seems no one is ralking coz she’s sooo small, it’s hard to notice her…but her sweetness is undeniably superb. We love teasing her to Rex, but I found out she has a boyfriend. I still think, she’s sad about something…and I have a hunch it’s about her relationship. I don’t mean to pry, but I will be willing to be a big sister to her in case she needs me…she was silent at the later part of my stay, maybe it prompted me more to tease her…but then again, I know nothing..

Rhea. Or is it Ria? One cool girl who was silent most of the time. She’s like my friend Anne . You cannot predict what’s in her head. She suddenly wanted her hair cut ..then in the next days, she wanted to watch movie. It was funny how she answered when I asked about “Pride and Prejudice”…she said, “Ay!! Ok lang… (paused) .love story!! “ I just tease her “tulog ng tulog” all the time…but she aced the exam! Matulog na lang din kaya ako?

Diana and Claribel.. they were the two new roommates we had. They were nice and I didn’t hesitate reaching out to them, not because it’s ethical but because I myself wasn’t treated bad by roommates before. I still yet have to spend time with them to know if we click..but they seem nice.

Gary and Cris. The 2 buddies of mine from davao…I loved them from the time we battled our way to the English Exam in Cebu. I may have not been with them 24 hrs like in Cebu, the loyalty is still to them….

As I remember the time, I was in Manila and I realized, I enjoyed it very much this time….

———— i recall , I enjoyed Baguio with the friends I grew up

with so much (we fantasized so much before going to a trip and the Bagiuo was a dream turned reality)

———– I enjoyed Manila this time with the UP friends who I

matured with ( i was here last year but i was so pathetically

obsessed with someone before that being with them did

not come as a priority — it was a stupid mistake that will never EVER happen again)

…and now I enjoyed professional advancement with the new GSA friends I had, i enjoyed it to the vey sense of the word.. it may just be the first step… but the new friendship is enough for me to look forward to this career path… time, I will enjoy the lights of the city and life itself with them.

and smiling again…

(February 5th, 2006)

and just when I thought I could never smile again…life has just its ways of making things brighter for you…or better yet, life has always given us reasons to smile and be inspired at, it’s just us who refuse to take notice………….

just finished my month long lecture on nursing ethics and nursing jurisprudence…i am handling in the hospital area for 3 weeks the 10 students i handled for almost a month last December in the community……and for some unexplainable reasons, these students gave me reasons to face each day with a strong heart…plus maybe the fact that i was about to take an exam which would change the course of my career distracted me from the awful perks of life…..…

then i remembered the one afternoon mass i attended where the priest spoke of facing tomorrow by putting the past behind…it’s the way to be able to see life positively, amidst all the pain it gave you…like they said, the painful life is to you…the better person you become….

do i make sense?… i dunno..but all i know is that, there is a lot for me to be thankful for..i feel them all now…when i tried closing my mind to the misery that has been haunting me…though i still get pulled again sometimes…but so they say that it’s not always easy…well it’s all part of life…and it’s all good…

..last tues, i was with a lawyer, a UP professor, masters degree holder from the netherlands, a UP patriot in an NGO, a pawnshop supervisor and call agent trainor (who was the main reason we went out of our shells)…and we enjoyed the night like 10 years ago when we just met and explored the lights of the city…… kulang kami but it was fun…and being with them is just one of the most valuable reasons i have to be happy about.

what i realized a month after 2006 came is that… is too short to wake in the morning with regrets…that we should love the people who treat us right, forget the ones who don’t (even if their love is what you wanted), and believe that everything happens for a reason no matter how stupid you have become… we should know good things and people when you see them, even if they don’t have sparks at the start….

If we get a chance, take it..and if it changes our lives, then we should let it… nobody said it would be easy, they just said it would be all be worth it. =)

New Year: Time to Let Go

(january 1, 2006)

if there was one thing I learned this year(2005)..i realized the phrase “ never say never”…stands true to at all times…

middle of this year, I told myself to let go of somebody I gave up wishing to be with…but still hoped that I was special in more ways than one. I told myself “never will I let the feelings I have for this person dictate the course of my career again”..and “I will never let the thought of him distract me again, even in my simplest daily routine…”

never say never…i wasn’t verbal on my defiance of the statement… but my emotions were, which transcended into actions and eventually into my line of reasoning. Many times, I said the “ never..” phrase again and again with other promises..but I kept breaking them… it just can’t be my friend pablo said…my emotions are too so stubborn, it has always been the cause of my downfalls.

I had no plans of battling more what I felt…amidst the bombarding advices of my faithful friends and even those who I just told of my pathetic woe…i just can’t drop it. i was about to go with the flow since it makes me happy until one night that slapped me into reality.

christmas… is suppose to be a happy event but this year it wasn’t to me…from what my friends tell me about my preposterous infatuation, it evolved to its peak this year and it ended right at the very night where the world rejoices on the Holy birth….how it happened is too pride swallowing for me to admit…that it stabbed my ego so much, it left me wondering how such moment transpired..

but so they say…sometimes, we have to learn it the hard way…my temper rarely explodes but when it does, it has never failed to put me in trouble…but this time, it was my temper who, in a way, helped me be free from what my friends say, “stupidity of all stupidity”….

with that temper, i thought i will no longer have to cling on to whatever we had that made me happy…. i will never say “never again”, although I just did…as fast my raging fumes exploded, it was put into tranquillity after i poured my agonies to my friends…then i was battling with two emotions again whether to stay angry or not…a schizo in the making.

as the new year starts…it will be a new beginning for me…for that anger has subsided when i decided to reach out again…new years day - honesty in return has never been too shocking for me until now. honesty flooded my minds more queries than answers…and when it’s suppose to relax, it’s soaked in confusion more.

it was wrong from the very start…as a matter of fact, nothing was right with all that there was…maybe becoz i came from a break-up, or maybe i needed somebody there for me, maybe it’s becoz of the challenge– whatever maybes i have, what i felt was real, whatever it was, and i was willing to defy the odds between us.

you can’t have what’s not yours and there are things you just can’t force to happen, no matter how you believe you were raised well to deserve it. i have seen this ending many times in my head but refused to watch it closely…i just told my self , “it won’t be that soon.”…

…too much emotions… much have been given and friendships sacrificed that only now I realize none of it was worth it …. yanking i am not because of the end but because i kept on pretending everything was ok…when it was not…that i didn’t mind the realities of honesty…that i should have listened to those who told me to let go ..that i kept justifying everything wrongly…that i see now what those who saw in me while i was soo stubborn with everything…

“never say never”..but it’s about time that i say “never” and mean it by heart ..specially when he said he has found somebody who he wants to spend his whole life with and they’re on their way there… yup! it’s about time to let go , it’s the only way I can move on..

U.P. Mindanao: There’s no place like home….

(December 7,2005)

I got excited when a former classmate, Chime, informed us that there will be a UP event this December where the alumni could participate. It has been 5 long years where we haven’t been really active as alumni..not because we didn’t feel like it but maybe because we were so busy pursuing graduate studies…some of us studied Law..some took Medicine..others had a hard time adjusting to their new jobs…as for me, I took up Nursing ( i was the first one from the pioneering batch who took up nursing…)

But I remember the last gimik me and my UP friends had, we talked about UP..we always do. But after 5 years, maybe we had successfully pinned a foot to our new worlds that we sought our old place. We talked about the upcoming PASIKLABAN 05..i never knew such activity existed , I only knew TATAK UPIAN (of course..) but i believe, it was to showcase UP talents. It was the UP Alumni Association who initiated the event (thanks to them). And not just to brag or show-off , we wanted to participate…coz it will bring back old memories and bonding.

I, and chimie, joined the College of Science and Mathematics (CSM) team, i belonged to that college before…Petite, Edsel, Danna joined the Dance Ensemble team..there were other alumni as well. I only mentioned the pioneers…

The theme was all about the heroes and heroines of today….I joined the CSM team who planned to do a 10minute skit . I could very well see that UP students do stand out from the rest… they have a different way of expressing themselves, when you think you know what’s gonna just don’t … I have no words to describe it..basta when you watch would say “ Kuyawa jud basta taga-UP oi!” ..i was commending all the time (in my head)…the first time I attended practice.

When i attended the practice (once lang ata), i was like a new student in school…for a minute I felt I was a stranger but i thought.."these are people in the same college I was before and some of them has the same course like mine (BS Applied Math)…some were my org mates (Society of Math Majors)..", it was instant.. I blended right away..( but most of them called me “ate”..hehehe).

Last nyt (dec 3)…I saw what UP Mindanao students has become…and I was in awe with what I saw. .. the presentations were far from being ordinary..they never failed to prove that UP scholars do care about the country..and they are passionate about it. And when they want you to listen to their significant woes, they just don’t scream for you to take notice, they bang your nutshells .

We won 2nd place..the dance ensemble took home the bacon…as usual…talk about how to give a good jazz presentation…when Petite started their show with the line “ SO THIS IS UP?” brought memories in a snap…THAT WAS US! when we first laid our eyes on the youngest autonomous campus of UP…kami yun! hehehe… we never had much before in terms of campus get-up… but it didn’t bother too much to make us quit and transfer..not anyone could have the privilege …why give up so easily?

I graduated nursing in Brokenshire College and I am now a part of Davao Doctors College (faculty)…don’t get me wrong… i am not saying, I don’t see their students the way I see the students of my former school.. they are also good… but my passion for my former school is the same as their graduates’ passion for their Alma mater.

I have learned to love the new place and its students…yes I do. But I was bred in UP, and nomatter what the new academe clothes me, I will always be much of a UP Mindanao student … much more, I will always be a UP Mindanao pioneer….(but not being active for a long time made me really guilty)…
Last nyt, I felt life again. I never realized I missed OBLE so bad…But really, in all honesty…… It’s good to be back!

Para sa mga taga-UP

"Sometimes, long after UP, we forget these things and become just like everybody else…"

Get A Life
Jose Dalisay Jr., PhD
Address to the Graduating Class
UP Baguio, 23 April 2005

Former UP President (Francisco) Nemenzo - whom I was privileged to serve - was frankly not too fond of the phrase "iskolar ng bayan" to describe the UP student. We are all, of course, scholars of the people in this university, in the technical sense that our studies are subsidized by the sweat of the poor, whose hopes we bear upon our shoulders.

But the President’s point was that scholarship remains a distinction to be earned not merely by scoring well in an entrance examination, but by adopting a lifelong attitude of critical inquiry and rational judgment. This, sadly, is something that many of us lose upon our entry into the University and our immersion in its life - not only its intellectual and academic life, but also its social and professional life. The curiosity ends, the magic fades, the writing dries up, and we retreat to a cocoon - to a dimly lit room marked "Me & Myself" - there to spend the rest of our career sulking over the next fellow’s promotion and so-and-so’s research grant. "Get a life" has been one of my lifelong mantras. I have always believed that while a formal education is a wonderful thing, what I call an active life - with all its serendipitous detours and little accidents - is even better. It is a clich? by now to say that there are many things we can never learn in school - but for those of us who are in school, it is even more important to remember this.
Some of the best things happen when we step outside of our own lives and begin to be engaged in those of others. Often, the answers to our own problems lie in others, and in their larger predicaments. While involvement in a great cause can also create its own kind of blindness to everything else, I believe that, at least once in our lives, we should embrace a passion larger than ourselves; even the disillusionment that often follows can be very instructive, and will bring us one step closer to wisdom.

One of the best ideas I ever heard came from a friend whom I used to play billiards with until the wee hours of the morning: "Everyone," he said while cleaning up the balls on the table, "should be entitled to make at least one big mistake." I would not have been the writer I became if I had chosen the safe path and stayed where I was supposed to be. It took me two years to finish my MFA, and only three to finish my PhD. But before that, it took me 14 years to get my AB.
At 12 - like your chancellor - I entered the Philippine Science High School. As my parents never tired of telling anyone who cared to listen (and even those who didn’t), I was the entrance-exam topnotcher of my batch, No. 1 of about 6,000 examinees. However, what my parents didn’t say was that after my first year in Science High, I was going to be kicked out -with a 1.0 in English and a 5.0 in Math. What happened? Well, you might say that I got a life. From the grade-school nerd who read two books a day in our all-boys Catholic school, I suddenly discovered girls, parties, and fun. What did I do? I used my 1.0 in English to save my 5.0 in Math, by writing a letter of appeal that began with "At the outset, let me say that I bear malice toward none." I guess it worked, because they put me on probation for a year and I survived PSHS by the skin of my teeth.
At 16, I entered UP as an industrial engineering major - and promptly got a 5.0 in Math 17, for too many absences - the bane of the arrogant Science High graduate, even the perennial flunker like me who thought he already knew more Math than he needed to know.
At 17, still a freshman, I quit college - over the tears of my mother, whose fondest hope was for me to graduate from UP just like she did. I wanted to join the revolution, like many of my comrades; at the same time I was impatient to get a job. At 18, I was working as a newspaper reporter covering hospital fires, US embassy rallies, suicide cases, factory strikes, and typhoon relief operations. I spent most of my 19th year in martial-law prison. At 20, I was a husband and father. At 26, I took my first foreign trip. At 27, I learned how to drive - and went back to school. At 30, I got my AB, and decided that what I wanted to do was to write and teach for the rest of my life, so here I am.
I have been shot at, imprisoned, and worst of all, rejected by more crushes than I care to remember. Aside from my abortive career in journalism, I once worked as a cook-waiter-cashier-busboy-janitor, cutting 40 pounds of pork and chicken every day before turning them into someone’s dinner. Much earlier, I worked as a municipal employee, checking the attendance of Metro Aides at seven in the morning, and then I studied printmaking and sold my etchings cheaply by the dozen in Ermita. Incidentally, it was at that printmaking shop that I met my wife June, who’s here with me today, and for whose patience with my colorful moods I am forever grateful.
Some of these events have found their way to my writing; most of them have not and never will. I believe that creative writing should generate its own excitement, beyond whatever may have happened to the author in his or her own life. But neither can I deny that my outlook has been influenced by what I have seen out there, as bright, as indelible, and as disturbing as fresh blood. If we are to abide by the Phi Kappa Phi motto to "let the love of learning rule humanity," we should first ourselves be ruled by the love of learning - learning from books, and learning beyond them. On the other side of the equation, let me observe that there is, today, a nascent but disturbing strain of anti-intellectualism in Philippine politics and society. The vulgar _expression of this sentiment has taken the form of the suggestion that we can dispense with brains and education when it comes to our national leadership, because they have done us no good, anyway.
It is easy to see how this perception came about, and how its attractiveness derives from its being at least partially true. Many of our people feel betrayed by their best and brightest - the edukado, as we are called in our barangays - because we are too easily bought out by the powers that be. Marcos and Estrada had probably the best Cabinets in our political history, well-stocked with prestigious PhDs from places like Oxford and Stanford; but in the end, even they could do nothing against their President and his excesses.
For us UP graduates, the seductions of power will always be there. Power and wealth are also very interesting games to play, and few play them better than UP grads - the power side more than the wealth, as I suspect that Ateneans and La Sallites are better at making money than we are.
But even these can put you out of touch. I have friends in Malaca?ang and Makati who seem to have lost all sense of life, thought, and feeling on the street, beyond what their own commissioned surveys tell them. Worse, they seem to have lost touch with their old, honest, self-critical selves. They forgot all about Sophocles and poetry and mystery and music you can’t buy at the record store.
To be a UP student, faculty member, and alumnus is to be burdened but also ennobled by a unique mission - not just the mission of serving the people, which is in itself not unique, and which is also reflected, for example, in the Atenean concept of being a "man for others." Rather, to my mind, our mission is to lead and to be led by reason - by independent, scientific, and secular reason, rather than by politicians, priests, shamans, bankers, or generals. You are UP because you can think and speak for yourselves, by your own wits and on your own two feet, and you can do so no matter what the rest of the people in the room may be thinking. You are UPbecause no one can tell you to shut up, if you have something sensible and vital to say. You are UP because you dread not the poverty of material comforts but the poverty of the mind. And you are UP because you care about something as abstract and sometimes as treacherous as the idea of "nation", even if it kills you.
Sometimes, long after UP, we forget these things and become just like everybody else; I certainly have. Even so, I suspect that that forgetfulness is laced with guilt - the guilt of knowing that you were, and could yet become, somebody better. And you cannot even argue that you did not know, because today, I just told you so.

Why do i need a master’s degree?

(november 2005)

i have no specific purpose of placing this in my blog..probably, just to erase a lot of files that has been clogging my PC memory…i am applying for a degree program ( a scholarship) which required this essay ( a short one)…of which, i have to sell myself (as a leader — my goodness! hehehe)to be chosen — it’s a great opportunity worth the battle actually…i masked some of the lines coz it seemed too self-praising ( i needed to do that to get approved — and it worked) –

well here goes ….



It is only when we maximize our potentials that are we giving justice to what He has given us. This has been a principle I have been living with all these years. I am still in pursuit for higher education for I believe, such endeavour will make me more effective and efficient in fulfilling the goals of my profession, to render utmost care to those who may or may not need it.

I have always believed in democracy and teamwork. And as a leader, I have always worked through many tasks in an authorative but democratic manner. Prior to acquiring my Nursing degree, I studied at the University of the Philippines- Mindanao to earn a degree in BS Applied Mathematics Major in Operations Research and became the UP-Min University Student Council Chairperson then. . My accomplishments include being able also to formulate campus activities which is now a tradition in the academe. I am a sociable person and even with the drive to succeed, I have remained good friends with my peers. Mentioning such, I believe, proves that I am capable of turning plans into reality through making people work and still keeping friendships which is vital to one’s existence,

I don’t believe in mediocrity. I believe that we are given always a chance to prove ourselves better and excel even in fields we think we don’t belong. Leaders are born…but those who are made to be one is as effective as those whose bloodline is to inspire people and create change. Whichever I am, I believe I have the potential. Humility is what we get if we don’t succeed, and that I believe is the greatest learning we get.

The Masters degree I am aspiring, I believe, will give not just provide more knowledge but also credibility and substance to whatever task I will be given in the future. The degree will hasten my skills and capabilities more in bringing change to my life, my profession, and my exacerbating country which has become both my inspiration and mission in life.

Reality on Yeast

(january 2005)

Did you have one particular moment in your life…you got to meet someone who you felt the magic with…so much magic that even if you only got to talk to that person, there’s an enchanted cord that binds you both… enchanted that even if you can’t get to that person at your most worst moments, that special person’s voice is enough to put your static soul in tranquillity….

well I have.. when I thought it was only for the meantime, while i’m healing a previous heartache, he became the source of my energy and the strength I held at times I felt hell…but when the magic seemed so real…it wasn’t that strong to last long…

for the hurting reason that it wasn’t meant to be..

but no matter how horrific it was to me…it was unbelievably shallow to a lot of people…who could blame them?…feelings surmounted with no solid foundation …friendship or special relationship was created over the phone…it seemed preposterous.

but it was real, god knows it was real to me…even more real than the relationships I built with some of the people around me…

but then again…it wasn’t real enough to last… I believe we get to meet persons for certain reasons…with this particular person, I still haven’t figured it out yet………

They say that the true strength of a person is seen when she gets up from a fall…. I have been though grieving for a loss who wasn’t even mine in the first place….i think I have…I must be…I say it with all conviction, I AM through with it all…

i adhere to a sent text message that… there are just some things in life you just have to give up…not because you didn’t want it ..but because something else is worth for you… sometime….somehow…

and now when I look back… it’s nice to remember the things that made it all special in the first place….i haven’t forgotten everything still…but I have already raised the white flag and accepted fate’s choice for the both of us…

as I read (and share parts only) the last pages of the diary which became my only confidant in those times the unbearable torment seemed endless …i read them again then able to smile …i still haven’t forgotten … but have moved on… in all honesty…

to read them is not to feel it all again…to read them is to realize that no matter how real it was at that time…if you have learned and gotten over it, you would realize … you will be able to smile and yeah, probably laugh, at all of it after all………


january 11, 2005

10:36 pm

(edited –)

this will be the last time I will mourn about him.. this will be the last time I will get uncomfortable at night…this will be the last time I will be extra conscious of my phone…this will be the last time I will mourn…i will never fight the sadness that lingers but I shall no longer mourn.. i can’t let another person take away the love I have for myself.. I can’t let them take away the self-esteem I regained … not even him.. and to keep them from circling my thoughts… somebody told me I had to write them out…all the things I remember that would make me hold on………

….the way we planned on getting married and have kids

….the fascination we had and the excitement of having twins

…how we joked around about speaking to our mothers

… we spoke about relationships

.. how we argued about the existence of love at the age of 40

… how we talked about cheating partners and how to deal with it

…how he annoys me about my vanity

… how he laughed during Christmas eve when I called him “guapo”

… the way he wants to cure my allergy (rhinitis) by pinching it

… the 1st time I got a text message from him before I wake up (coz I said I’d love that)

… when he desperately wanted to give me a call at new year’s eve when the sun cellular line seemed to be in a bad mood

… when he feared his 3 year ______, and I would work overseas at that time

… the time when he told me he wore red boxer shorts for the 1st time in his graded tasks for luck

…when he checked the shooting range he’d be taking me to

… how we fantasized the moment I’ll be near his place for an important appointment

…the way we remember how we met and everything that happened after

…the time when he sent one of his men to follow me home to find out where I live ( I managed to get away, i didn’t even know I was being followed in the 1st place)

… when we talked at night until the sun rises (literally)

… he made me smile when I was upset

….how it felt good when he calls me “baby”

… when we prayed together (on the phone) the night of my nursing board exam

….and when he immediately called him when I texted him “ I am now officially joni marie v. patnugot, BSAM,BSN, RN “

… Now I can move on….now that I wrote all the things that circles my thoughts… then now should be kept aside…it is when I read them that I remember……..