expecting….

(March 1st, 2009)


if only the liquour have not reached my brains i would have held inhibited from the urge of splurging all the thoughts i have in me..


if there’s one thing a particular person told me…it’s the very thing he said that “the most effective way to hurt yourself is to expect a lot of things from people…to actually refrain from making them the person like you are…because the moment you do , that’s when the frustration sets it….”


has told me a lot times about that..”not to expect much from people”:…and no matter how much i have thought of him as someone as a mere stranger now…because i believe both of us are happy now, at particular times i realize, i have remembered him much on his thoughts of protecting myself…i remembered because i was with some persons now who i just realize were not actually who (or what ) i perceived myself to them…


maybe there will always be people like that..no matter how i try to believe that my little own world is ideal…although i believe that trying is not bad…it’s just frustrating when reality sets in and its far from yo thought…and it’s scary when paranoia opens possibility of something worse..


(i remain to mask my thoughts…and when i do, i do it because i will definitely hurt feelings..step on ego’s ….push some persons into looking at themselves differently….)
but see… no matter how i appear to be unconditional to many personal circumstances…no matter how ok and remembering i am…i will never be able to deny that the person i am, will be the same way i perceive other persons to be…and the curtains just automatically fall the moment i realize, things are not just the way it is on my mind….


and that figure will always be my mentor when it comes to this…no matter how unacceptable his reasons behind were ..and no matter how absurd the facts according to him were…this thinking are the ones i am thanking him for..


but i believe im a failure in his subject..never even got close to having a grade of B…otherwise this blog wouldn’t have been written in the first place…
those ways are yet for me to learn.. the moment i succumb to that without being intoxicated…


but then again…maybe it’s just because of the DAY that i expected a lot, without knowing that i was… thinking that years ago, i screamed with pillows on my mouth for not being able to receive the phone call i much expected…years ago that i expected a surprise but ended up pleading for time and being glared at for disturbing work… year ago that i didn’t get even a little notice…and now that i don’t have a hint of recall at all…..


…well…maybe it’s just the liquor………it probably is…