(April 29th, 2006)
in so far that i have been back with a bad experience from something i prepared for a long time…he has been there to remind me that life is still worth enjoying…he has been not just my strength but the air that i breathe…
but am i worthy of it all.. when i though i have been through this, it seemed that i am starting…i have been used to enjoying everyday life on my own…even having partners not physically with me, not that i regret it…but i enjoyed literal freedom in commitment….now i am adjusting, though this has been all that i wondered before… i am scrambling for i feel everything i do seemed at all times incorrect….i am enjoying myself with this special person… i am enjoying not holding back my thoughts and actions, speaking my mind, allowing my reflexes to just flow …..let my family be themselves ….without much arguments in return.. until when he can understand.. i can only wonder…
i am feeling soo special that i begin to question if i am doing the same…eveytime my sincerity is limelighted , i shatter…that everything i say seemed for him just for the sake of saying…. it matters that he believes…that it’s sad thinking that maybe i’m giving the wrong signals coz it was the best i cud…my head hurts thinking about it…when i have been used to giving it all, this time it seemed that my all isn’t enough…i again cared soo much for somebody and his happiness will be all that will matter…
and everyday im with this special person, i see the world differently that amidst all the seemed to be endless challenges – life still is beautiful…that to those who believe that it should be shared with someone, life is definitely worth enjoying…and that i continue to believe that we don’t need somebody to make us feel complete but life is having someone to share our completeness with…
i am still vulnerable as ever and my ideals continue to make my mind doubt at times when odds seems not to conform with…and whatever past will unfold, his or mine, might try to break us ..but i guess the key to everything is believing that if you will for something to be alright , then it will…that amidst the differences, everything will go smoothly if you both believe and work had that it will…….
yes the world is circle…. for it took me long to smile and trust again…and when we think at one point, we got hurt so bad that it pains even by just breathing… we learn to love ourselves more…
i remember telling myself before that there are just some things we can’t have even if we believe we were raised well to deserve it…now i know ….. it’s because we deserved more.
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