Extraordinary Life

I have been wanting to write again for so long. I  have wanted to convert the tears i have been shedding for not being able to enjoy the perks of being a better half. I have wanted to convert the anger that filled me at many times that I felt I should have deserved more. I would have wanted to convert the many times I felt degraded for seem to be pushing myself often just to be wanted. I would have converted to words the crushing feeling of wanting to be at par with the one written on the top list.

But then again, at those many times that I felt so heavy, he manages to erase it with the measures that he can just give the most.

They say loving means being able to endure anything that comes with it. I have always asked myself, "to what extent should I understand?". Many times also that I have pondered on the answer to that question. And at that many times, I again understood that there are things he cannot sacrifice for my sake.

I don't have the normal relationship. I do not have a fairytale nor anything that is close to that. I have a reality that one can only imagine. I have something that paves more than loiter with him freely. I don't have the luxury of dragging time with my quirms or luxury of planning moments.

No, I don't have any of that.

But if you ask me if I am happy, I will say yes without even blinking. But I will admit to struggling ..and struggling a lot. I am struggling a lot with the little time given to me and the recognition for my existence. I am struggling of that fact that I will be pushed aside many times for bloodline. I am  struggling  a lot of the fact that at many times, I will have just to cry and understand.

But I will always be thankful for the efforts to erase the hurt that he knows that I am feeling. I will always be happy with the time he spends with me, for i know to be able to give it entails a lot on his part.

We choose our own fate by the choices we make. I had mine and at that time I made that, it was what made me realize what happiness was. And keeping that happiness is a struggle, I must admit. I am loving this person beyond what loving is . That is the truth now . But to be able to sustain that happiness, I have to get back on loving myself again. I have not lost it, but i seemed to have been approaching the road. I do not wish to lose again what I have regained the hardest way.

This is all that I am .. this is how i love and carry myself. I give value to moments because time is something too painful to regret. I give much even if I get less because I have so much to give. And if such is not enough to make me be the same for them, I will not contest nor push myself  more.

My feelings has been the source of what my mind decides on. Only my emotions will dictate the length of holding on to what I have now. This is love for me .. this is happiness for me no matter how different it is. I will always wish someday that I will be able to enjoy the perks of life with him just like most couples do. And as long as my heart will still want to wait and still feels love ... it will always dictate the most challenging part of this journey ---- to understand and endure.

Love it is Still

       Everything started in a way i never imagined. But it all ended up in a relationship i knew i wanted and deserved in the first place. It was initially a rough ride. I seemed running after him all the time. I seemed to be constantly pushing myself to him and be recognized. It was a pursuit of truth beyond words. It was a whole chasing experience.

      But as they say, "love is patient" .... it was. They say you can never lose when you love, only when you hold back. I knew what i had was something i could only imagine. It was something i was always searching for. He was the one who made me feel what i dreamed of was actually something that was real.

       Gradually, I understood his ways. It was slow and relaxing. It was enjoying the moment and just letting pieces fall into place. It was something  that I wasn't anticipating. I slowed down, smelled the flowers and letting spirits fly. I loved him for who he is now and for who he was. What he had was something I will never want to go through, and to be happy with him is to understand that by heart. To be happy with what we have, is to accept the complexities that come along with who we individually are.

      Things have just begun with us enjoying the affection we both have for each other. Everytime i'm with him, i am thankful.
       I am thankful that he continues to be a friend that i can share my growing years with.  
       I am thankful still for continuing growing and laughing off worries..
   
       I am thankful for pushing out the doubts  and making me smile,
       I am thankful still, for allowing me to do the same

       I am thankful for love he blurts out at an unexepected times,

       I am thankful at expected times, he continues to love more

       I am thankful for allowing to dream more even with complexities
       I am thankful more allowing to dream ending at being together is always possible

      For the first time, i never feared lasting time with someone. I never feared coming terms with struggle knowing he'll be beside me. For the first time, i realized that it was true when they said that "you will just feel it" if you had the real thing. Yes, it's still early but i got tired of being afraid of thinking ahead. I believe that I deserve a lasting love which I can  cherish beyond distance, and beyond time.

 
       And being a friend at the same time to him, I know he deserves the same.

     I will not say, " i don't know where this will lead us", because it isn't so. I will just have to say, "I will pray that God guides us to keep what we have strong." And that hope hard that we continue to be better persons for each other and continue to be right for each other.

      A girl's checklist is one thing she sees time after time. I believe i have  mine as well and he has his also. And as long as we have each other, no matter what pace we  have, we will continue to love and be happy (even  endure complexities) because it is something we have deserved  for long.

In love

As i dose myself to sleep..i erase the hurt i was feeling couple of nights ago. I appreciate the time and effort given to wipe away the tears.

I am happy..happier now.