Never Again..I thought

No matter how strong a woman is, the minute she falls inlove..things get complicated right away. My tears fell yesterday wondering if all that has been invested was going along what was expected. I have said to myself, "this is not new to me..I should know better." But then again, no matter how I know letting my guards down will hurt me bad...i still did.

As i sit now, still picking up a lot of wondering thoughts, i again reflected 3 years back when I felt so hurt that it seemed impossible to breathe. I told myself  that I will not entertain anyone who will give me that again..or close to it.

Yes, i believed in a promise. I believe in a friendship that could flourish into something really beautiful. I believed in a love that seemed so sincere amidst the odds. I planned literally my life knowing that finally, there seemed a person i could see forever with. I built my happiness to having to share what i knew what enjoying life is.

But I seemed to have left believing. And no matter how much i deny it to myself, things are getting more obvious. What may have been so real now seemed just a fabric of an imagination...more hurtful to think that it was all a lie.

When a man loves you for real..he will make ways to make you feel special. You don't have to doubt him even he's not around because he will not let you. Your head will never ache wondering whether he will text you if you're ok ..or what are you doing at time he knows your vacant...or will actually want to see you even for a while. And as I cry my tears finishing this one..i am in admission that none of these have been evident so far.. not even close.

In tears, i will hurdle the pain for a while. And as I do that, i will have to look back to what i left behind..to the plans i settled aside ..thinking that it was all worth the wait. I will not beg somebody for something I know I deserve. I will not let anyone again make me feel that I am unwanted. I will not let someone hurt me more than the hurt I am feeling now.

I will have my time to speak. At the time, that I won't even attempt to beg for the chance to be with him. It's easy to know when they don't want you around, it's the acceptance that's hard and it's turning your back that will take a lot of guts.

I will admit to falling inlove for there's nothing else to describe it. I admit to falling too much by expecting that it was mutual. I admit to have been so gullible believing in words i wanted to hear. I admit to being so naive that falling for this person was what will make me happy. I admit that none of it was true. I admit now to hurting bad.

But with the little strength I have. I will not allow it to take all the best of what i have become. Even if I have to  write again and again to be able to breathe then I will. The hurting will just have to end...it has to or I will never forgive myself for allowing them to build their fantasies in my expense again.

Loving Anew

      They say that "to expect much means hurting yourself much." I honestly wish i could prevent myself from doing that, just literally allow things to fall into places. Someone comes into your life and makes you feel good about yourself. Then you suddenly feel strong for that person and likewise. And before you know it, your guards are down again and we are back to square one.

      I am in a new bond whose heart has always looked back to promises and words that was said over and over again. Yet, when the long wait was over.. there have been some setbacks on what I perceived happening. I just couldn't get what I wanted..not at least the earliest possible time.

      I do not wish to stop expecting. I believe, my past relationships kept failing because I allowed them to love me the way they did. In the long run, the truth of how you want to be taken cared of will just be something that you want to happen badly. How I take care will always be a reflection of how I want to be taken cared of.

      Now, I see a figure who has the same blood as I have, a description i best can give for him. It feels good being able to know that he understands my constant need of adventure, so to speak. I didn't feel the need to explain the element of  spontaneity in all things, or even the sweet taste of danger. I didn't feel the need to explain my constant need of self expression which may cause offense to others that I didn't care much. I believe, I wanted something like this for long...someone i can enjoy life without minding a lot of perks.

      Then I remember last night talking with friends that God gives you always what you wish . And sometimes, when you wish you have to be particular because you will not be getting what you did not ask for.

      I asked for what I want badly and what makes me happy the most, but I forgot to exclude the complexities that may come with the person who fitted in picture.. It's funny thinking about it really, but what i have now will really test my desire to pursue what i want the most.

      I do not intend to expect the "normalcy" of events in every relationship. What i have now is not typical nor close to what i have before. I do not have the luxury of putting my foot down yet. In hours, the mind opened to what was real for me. Intending not to expect is one big challenge I have to endure, knowing that I am the type who knows exactly what i want at most times. 

      I think too much at times, like now. When I do, it mirrors mostly what i feel about. I know I am happy now ..but I admit to be struggling . But this was what I chose. And to risk losing what security I had before meant that I believe what I have now is better.. however uncertain it has become suddenly.

      Nothing has happened yet  for all the things I wished during the wait. Nothing that everyone would have expected except for the clarity we wanted and deserved. I am in a totally different scene I believe , only that I know is I want to be with this person than I did others.

      I understand the delay...to how long..that i do not know. I can only wish that he remains sincere , continues to read my mind and make things real still . =)

Ready Again..i think

Yes for many months, i have lurked myself on the side. I just let all of everything fall into places. I let go of a love that i knew others perceived lasting. I let go of a man who was worth a lifetime.

And as much as his words to wait lingered in my thoughts, i saw it in my own eyes that he no longer held that.  A new feme has been constantly in his images, wrapping her arms around his. Looking at it made my world stop a while, yes it did. It was odd but then i knew, he must have found the one he wanted me to be. I knew the new woman, on the backgrounds they whispered. As to the lasting love they both wanted, i wish them to that.

It made me breathe again. It was clear to me again what was meant for me. It wasn't that person, no matter how loving he may seem. We were two different individuals even love can't mask. And the difference just crawled into my system even he couldn't make to meet even halfway. But regardless how it went, the usual coldness has settled in again.

I craved for the friendship. I missed the friendship that I knew wouldn't be easy for him to give now ...for reasons I could just only wonder. I know, he wouldn't give time to drop by my place to show that he's "landed" again, something he did always when we were just friends. The difference in views and principles gave us a strong friendship, looking out on the other side of life all the time. His was ideal, mind was real. There was no pressure of taking one of each in. It was good and it was nice. That I may have with other friends, it's kinda sad missing it out with him.

But then again, things are what it is. And it is not me to push myself where I am not needed..even as a friend.

Being ready to love again is a choice but to have the guts to take the whole ride again ... is another thing.  It requires the heart to take the lead. There is no use looking back when it was your choice in the first place.  There is no use watching over the hurt i have caused. I could not bring back what i risked breaking. I could only wish the comfort to be the same again. But like they say, everything happens for a reason..and things will just be in God's perfect time.

Loved again. Lost again. But ready for another one who offers the same. I am grateful for the "seemingly" new chance. Let's just wait and see..

Lessons to Optimism

    
           There were many nights that i fought it back..there were nights i tried to hold on..but i believe there will always be an end to everything if you feel that it's not anymore making you happy...that all you have expected to happen,  was what exactly you wanted and when you kept setting that aside, it takes away the very core of what you exactly are...
          I have loved again..and again, too much..but it is what i always am. I have clipped my wings trying to become the person who i am not..without even noticing it. I become another person each time I cry for not getting what i want..for not being understood of what little i have perked about...I got tired trying to stress a point I felt right in the first place. 
           I have turned cold..not barging even a little of what seemed possible to happen. I am on my road to self discovery again..my own sanctuary of happiness..I can no longer exist to merely disappoint another person again of what makes me happy.
          I am looking forward for a new outlook, whether it's lame or it's purposeful. I am optimistic of a new love that's possible out there which could make me feel closest to what i define as happiness.
          I have learned lessons in life..still learning though. And in my quest to another journey..i wish badly that MYSELF and WHO I AM  will become the top of their priority...even mine.

how do you learn to cope up missing someone

           it has always been this challenging for me..not being able to experience everyday life with him..not being able to get upset for something petty, or not getting marveled for something i really appreciate in a day...these does not happened everyday for me...it has always been a scheduled basis...not what i had in mind, but something i have no choice but taking..
          they say our choices have something on the side we should bear up with..that there are sacrifices to being happy ..that there are wished that come with unlikeable perks..this i am beginning to understand..or better yet, i am dealing with again. it's hard..it's tough...it's nerve wracking...
           but there will always be  2 choices for us to take in every dilemma there us...HOLD ON or LET GO...i believe, what i have is something i never thought possible for me..yes it came with perks like being left for months alone, but after it..all is well again...
           how do you stop missing somebody? distract yourself from work..it makes the days faster...don't think you need someone to be strong, have faith in yourself-- say I AM STRONGER than this... i make my own strength beads and potions and rituals..because i believe, my faith in us is stronger than my immaturity. i am with a wonderful and beautiful person..who brings out the best in me and what i can do..who i know will catch me when i fall but let's me walk on my own..who will take a second breath for me the moment i turn blue..these are my best (and bestest - if such word exist) reasons for taking the first choice.
           when i think this, i stop my emotions from rushing again..lock them possible to one place and place in idle mode (lol!)..i will see him soon..i am not counting the days..i've had this before, this time, it's definitely better...
      
        how do i answer my own question? i don't know..have no slightest idea at all.

still celebrating..

Yes, contrary to many who doesn't believe in it, many of us still celebrate the so called "monthsary", a replica of the anniversary all couples celebrate in their special way. Me and my hubby just celebrated the day on the phone, talking and sharing stories.


It's hard when the distance between lovers are so big, contenting with phone calls is the best that we could do. Absence does makes the heart grow ponder. In my case, it has grown anticipation and excitement...i just had to mask the sad moments with bulk of work.


It was still special..heartwarming and full of love, makes the distance a tiny problem for us. =)

ENDING IT SOMETIMES IS THE BEST MOVE

A guide to women about men and marriage
         
        Men and women are respond  with how the society dictates them when it comes to relationship and marriage. Women, even on first date, seek in their dates a permanent partner for life. They presume their dates right away as the  man of  their lives and  father of their future child.  Women are so hooked to their fairytales that they dream of  a happy ending in most of their dates.

         However, man respond in a quite different manner. Most of them, find companion first before commitment. They tend to test the waters first before plunging  and committing in a relationship.  This is why we see a lot of them only adhering to dates for a long time before committing. And when they finally decide to  marry, he is someone seen as losing his freedom.

       This scenario may not be true to all men and women, but it gives us vital learning to choose well our partners. Women has to accept that his man is a unique human being. His views on relationship may have stormed from  the kind of family he has. Women has to understand  the uniqueness of his man and where  her man’s idea of love and commitment is coming. Assuming right away that her man thinks like she does is very dangerous. It will lead to false assumptions resulting to more problems in the relationship.

     Women, has to know if her man respects her need of commitment. These will bring  problems for the couples if not resolved. The women will keep being faithful to the relationship while her man remain avoidant to discussions of committing seriously and settling down. If women are into these kind of relationships, the best way is to get out of the relationship, nomatter how painful it may seem. The women will always be left waiting and wondering when his man will get the idea of settling down, and this is more degrading and hurting to women.

    Getting married will not even answer these problems. Women jump to marrying decisions in the hope of turning their man into a person who finally values commitment. Marrying without reconciling the couple’s differences will only give more problems than happiness to the couple. Unless, the couple has a healthy relationship, then they should refrain marrying. Marriage is not something you push to your partner in the hope of having a happy ending with your partner. Marriage is a decision made out of love and readiness to share lives with. Love, trust, honesty, and respect should be the foundation of this union. Couples are suppose to complement each other, and relationships bring out the best in every couple. If the couple is not even ready to talk about marriage, then they should not get married.

     If you are in a rocky relationship, reflect on your ideas of relationship. If you are different from your boyfriend, then do not settle your own preferences for him right away. You are worth every love and respect, and commitment. And if your boyfriend is not the type who can give you that, then you have to accept that  difference and put an end to the line. Women are stronger individuals that they think they are. If your partner in not  giving you what you want then there will always be another person who can give you what you know you deserve.  

expecting….

(March 1st, 2009)


if only the liquour have not reached my brains i would have held inhibited from the urge of splurging all the thoughts i have in me..


if there’s one thing a particular person told me…it’s the very thing he said that “the most effective way to hurt yourself is to expect a lot of things from people…to actually refrain from making them the person like you are…because the moment you do , that’s when the frustration sets it….”


has told me a lot times about that..”not to expect much from people”:…and no matter how much i have thought of him as someone as a mere stranger now…because i believe both of us are happy now, at particular times i realize, i have remembered him much on his thoughts of protecting myself…i remembered because i was with some persons now who i just realize were not actually who (or what ) i perceived myself to them…


maybe there will always be people like that..no matter how i try to believe that my little own world is ideal…although i believe that trying is not bad…it’s just frustrating when reality sets in and its far from yo thought…and it’s scary when paranoia opens possibility of something worse..


(i remain to mask my thoughts…and when i do, i do it because i will definitely hurt feelings..step on ego’s ….push some persons into looking at themselves differently….)
but see… no matter how i appear to be unconditional to many personal circumstances…no matter how ok and remembering i am…i will never be able to deny that the person i am, will be the same way i perceive other persons to be…and the curtains just automatically fall the moment i realize, things are not just the way it is on my mind….


and that figure will always be my mentor when it comes to this…no matter how unacceptable his reasons behind were ..and no matter how absurd the facts according to him were…this thinking are the ones i am thanking him for..


but i believe im a failure in his subject..never even got close to having a grade of B…otherwise this blog wouldn’t have been written in the first place…
those ways are yet for me to learn.. the moment i succumb to that without being intoxicated…


but then again…maybe it’s just because of the DAY that i expected a lot, without knowing that i was… thinking that years ago, i screamed with pillows on my mouth for not being able to receive the phone call i much expected…years ago that i expected a surprise but ended up pleading for time and being glared at for disturbing work… year ago that i didn’t get even a little notice…and now that i don’t have a hint of recall at all…..


…well…maybe it’s just the liquor………it probably is…

… in time….

( February 18th, 2009)

And like they say…it has just sank in…..

it has never ceased to amaze me…how he could actually be somebody i perceived to be with ….somebody who takes care of me even on places i deem my territory …someone who i can watch laughing with my parents from a distance…someone who rushes upon hearing a glass broke on my foot….someone who would dare to be with me on stressful moments with friends … someone who memorizes the names of my friends and the occasions in their lives more than i do…someone who loves me beyond words and beyond what I can imagine…someone who’ll take a second breath for me…..

and all of the amazing things i have imagined i’d be in… i finally felt it…without much effort ….like they say, everything will just fall in the right places at the right time….

ten years of friendship…of years just goofing around, struggling for identity…running to each other at times of pain …and boasting on each other’s achievements…

i remember our careers changed on our pursuit to fulfill our family’s dreams…but at times he’s around the corner, he manages to squeeze us in his time….and everytime he does, I never stopped looking at him as a good half…even at times we were committed to somebody else..

it’s funny remembering that we were never both single at the same time until now…(well, before we dated)…

and it will always be nice to remember that amidst the attraction…both of us did not dare to go beyond our lines…we kept the friendship…kept watching each other’s back…enjoyed each other’s company without fear of judgment even atthe differences we have…laughed at each other’s ridiculous gestures..

but so they say… you just cannot have everything… there are major choices that entails big sacrifices…and no matter how I tried to run from reality…trying to defy time.. it seemed written all over the place…

how do you reconcile a future you have built in your mind for so long from something that is offered differently…how long can someone remain to be on control of her destiny…how strong can unexpected realities be…how can two choices so fulfilling be so hard to combine…that the vital element of the two is impossible to bring together…..that choosing one will leave a good half of me … will i be strong enough to pass the burden….

in time…i will be able to blurt the exact words from my mouth…as soon as I can force to say it even to myself.. the moment I will also be able to find the answers to my questions.. .

it is when i am scared with words that i put so much effort in masking my thoughts…

i am happy…that closing my eyes, the visions are still clear of what I want us to be…I have become a stronger person…with him, I learned to be really better…

….that I believed again that all things in life are simple, it’s us who make it complicated…

… that when you are nice to people, they will be nice to you…and if they’re not, then it’s sad for them …

…that we all have flaws and the best way to be secured with yourself is to acknowledge that we are not perfect ..

…and that we can be laughed at because of our imperfections and we can laugh with them …

…that our flaws will not be the measure of our character…

…and that emotions are REAL, that it should be taken cared of..

And with that, i remain smiling still in this blissful moment……..

Learning from “Sex and the City”..

(June 1st, 2008 )

Ivy was a fan of the series, not me…I was more of the fiction freak than the reality..but I must admit that watching the flick felt good …i believe for women who had a lot of things in their way.


It was nice watching ‘female norms”…and felt good knowing that what I went through was universal. “Things happens for a reason”…that is one thing we should accept, regardless of what gender is, no matter how unbelievable it is. Like Carrie said, “things just happen…no matter how she did not believe it…and our lives will continue if we decide it to…and happiness is more of a choice rather than a destiny”


And just contemplating..my last entry was in 2007 and I couldn’t lift a finger to write a blog again because pride stopped me..it didn’t want me to become so transparent again.. feared that it will send wrong signals…but then again, it has been 5 months…and I couldn’t care less anymore.


Tomorrow is already june 1, and as much as I wanted to leave (talk about rescheduled appointments), God had other plans for me. The opening school year will be different from now on..that I know. The last semester and summer was a struggle for me, whether I speak of it or not..and as to able to have survived it all..i believe I did.


Am I stronger now? Happier now?…i believe I am…so as I will be missing a lot of what I poured my emotions for. The new semester offers a new start…a fresh one…looking back at what I had will always be the measurement of my becoming a better mentor…and looking back will always be a good measure of my happiness.


And to the million dollar question every eye pokes when I am around….yes, everything is OK.. things may not be the way they are but trust me…it is ok. Whatever it was, it’s already in it’s right place…and because of time, it seeks and will seek nothing anymore. I will always look back to what it made me smile for., every reason I could remember..because those are the things that should be thought of (nothing else should be pondered more)…how I shared my profession and my students with…nobody has come close to playing around with my students whether during my lectures or my duty …no one has come close to making me laugh with the surprises at work ….and no one has come close to my want to challenge another wit and my want to tease because it is necessary to break the arrogance …….these I have to admit..i do acknowledge everything. I don’t throw away the good stuff, .i learn from what is not. Things are new now and it may soon become unnoticed just like it was before…surprisingly, the last sight made me smile….and it will make me smile… I believe .


The new semester breaks me away from the comfort group I had. Funny, knowing that I was them in 2 semesters and just when I was single and free that I was able to enjoy the genuine friendship with them…friendship that was not even planned. Knowing them was unexplainable and the feeling is indescribable..that kept me interested and enjoying what I had at work:


· Ivy - nope she is not part of the DOMENG team but she has been one of the best friends I ever had. Met her back in nursing school when I needed a lab gown and a sorority friend knew her. She has been my strength a times I lost myself. The first time she had to pull me was when I was in MN class all lost and …wandering. She will always be an ally…whatever or whoever will temporary set us apart.



· Donna – the loud, funny and loving friend I have. It took one coffee at “Kopi Roti” to realize that we can actually be more than just co-workers. She is the joy of the group and her absence will really make us miss her. Her mouth is unstoppable and there will be no other person who can come close to make us all laugh. It will only be HER. But she turned out to be really special and knowing her made me regret that I stopped my self reaching out to them before. Circumstances made me do that.


· Jo Irene – the person having the odd laughter. she was my classmate but we weren’t that close like now. Jo is sweet and “mataray “ at the same time. She warned me..i did not listen..she continued to warn me..i refused still to listen.hehehe… she is the has no talent in hiding what she feels that who could snap at you if she didn’t like you and that makes her really special.


·Brok – the pretty and the most dainty, id like to believe. Simple life..simple thoughts..classic principles…and fabulous comic act.. she is the friend you read in novels..always emotional on things..gets upset but would rather be silent… she substitutes donna when she is not around.


· Charisse- “ ang inchik”…I couldn’t say anything else. The toddler whose height is 6 plus…who shrieks coz she is fat when she is size 24 and screams because she’s dark already when she is the lightest among us…haaayyy….she talks 500 words per minute…plays anything that is fun and snaps at something that is offensive to her. She is the baby among the group…who we love to annoy a lot.


· Rose Tuloy – i tell her my emotions at the most odd places..like during CHN duties or COPAR..weird…we do not hang out much outside the workplace ..and that’s understandable..but the friendship will always be special. We exchange notes and emotions…and learn always. She’s the voluptuous among the group …and the sassiest.


· May – ok we call her “gerzon”..i like calling her gerzon..hehehe..who wouldn’t notice her..the stature and the eyerbrows..and the sharp tongue. .she is the most mature among us, no one would contest that…always reminds us of our age. Her words pacify our immatureness often..and somehow, our jokes makes her calm in her anger. She is motherly and funky at the same time..hehehe…we make her young..period.


· Topen: the male counterpart of charisse. He will make fun of anything and EVERYTHING he sees..including US..and it will just make us laugh. He substitutes donna in her absence..and whose energy is always on the rise. Sweet..goodlooking..funny and stress-free person who is serious about his plans in life….


· Haidee – adopted from Paolo’s group..mataray pretty mom who listens to me and tells me things at the right time..ninang ako ng baby nya..hehehe



· Malou – it was her that I have when I ran away from reality just to escape everything…what she had was incomparable to what I went though..and it made me strong. She is the pretty mom with a tiny physique but with the strongest personality because of what she had. She panicks for me..hahaha…even at time I wouldn’t even regard panicking about.. but it’s nice and heartwarming



· Princess - the “out of this world” lady who gets anything because of her style and unique ilongga “style”..she will make you laugh and wonder what you laughed about



· Polly – she laughs, laughs loud..laughs without poise..than she asks suddenly what we are laughing about and what she is laughing about…funny and bubbly and always smiling..yup that’s her…always there to listen and to comment when we needed it badly



· Janet – has her own world..but I remember sharing time with her before…during on of the duties..she is special..and a loyal friend..she is fierce and it’s not bad at all


· Domeng – the reason all of the girls above became friends……he is friend even before..he doesn’t give advices when I need it because he thinks I can always manage things…it is when I am sober and strong that he give his thoughts for me…



And there are other more friends who is of the same degree of being special to me like them…but these people I will miss because I will no longer be in the same schedule with them…though I will see them still often. I will miss having lunch with them all ..or merely having a headache planning where to go during lunchbreaks.



Life gave me something I never imagined possible…it taught me something I wouldn’t have learned alone…it made me clear to me what I want and maed me rememeber what I did not….

New life..new students..new supervisor friends…Haven’t even started but they already made me interested…..that it made me write again.