… in time….

( February 18th, 2009)

And like they say…it has just sank in…..

it has never ceased to amaze me…how he could actually be somebody i perceived to be with ….somebody who takes care of me even on places i deem my territory …someone who i can watch laughing with my parents from a distance…someone who rushes upon hearing a glass broke on my foot….someone who would dare to be with me on stressful moments with friends … someone who memorizes the names of my friends and the occasions in their lives more than i do…someone who loves me beyond words and beyond what I can imagine…someone who’ll take a second breath for me…..

and all of the amazing things i have imagined i’d be in… i finally felt it…without much effort ….like they say, everything will just fall in the right places at the right time….

ten years of friendship…of years just goofing around, struggling for identity…running to each other at times of pain …and boasting on each other’s achievements…

i remember our careers changed on our pursuit to fulfill our family’s dreams…but at times he’s around the corner, he manages to squeeze us in his time….and everytime he does, I never stopped looking at him as a good half…even at times we were committed to somebody else..

it’s funny remembering that we were never both single at the same time until now…(well, before we dated)…

and it will always be nice to remember that amidst the attraction…both of us did not dare to go beyond our lines…we kept the friendship…kept watching each other’s back…enjoyed each other’s company without fear of judgment even atthe differences we have…laughed at each other’s ridiculous gestures..

but so they say… you just cannot have everything… there are major choices that entails big sacrifices…and no matter how I tried to run from reality…trying to defy time.. it seemed written all over the place…

how do you reconcile a future you have built in your mind for so long from something that is offered differently…how long can someone remain to be on control of her destiny…how strong can unexpected realities be…how can two choices so fulfilling be so hard to combine…that the vital element of the two is impossible to bring together…..that choosing one will leave a good half of me … will i be strong enough to pass the burden….

in time…i will be able to blurt the exact words from my mouth…as soon as I can force to say it even to myself.. the moment I will also be able to find the answers to my questions.. .

it is when i am scared with words that i put so much effort in masking my thoughts…

i am happy…that closing my eyes, the visions are still clear of what I want us to be…I have become a stronger person…with him, I learned to be really better…

….that I believed again that all things in life are simple, it’s us who make it complicated…

… that when you are nice to people, they will be nice to you…and if they’re not, then it’s sad for them …

…that we all have flaws and the best way to be secured with yourself is to acknowledge that we are not perfect ..

…and that we can be laughed at because of our imperfections and we can laugh with them …

…that our flaws will not be the measure of our character…

…and that emotions are REAL, that it should be taken cared of..

And with that, i remain smiling still in this blissful moment……..

What DiD i Get….?

(December 30th, 2007 )

i hate it when i’m left at my pc and emotions just keep rushing in…tomorrow is 2008..and as much as I prevent myself from looking back at 2007 (like all the TV programs do..), I just cant…

I have been through a LOT ..hehehe…that’s all…

and many have been offering their support and love, and I appreciate it sooo much….but I don’t know if they really understand what I just went through…as they say, each experience is unique.

but I have been relieved…I have forgiven. Forgiveness has been asked (thank you for that…it wasn’t easy I know) . Whether it was asked with sincerity or not, forgiveness is something you have no choice but to give to…hoarding it will just make you feel all the hurt again and again. Forgiving is the start of trying to forget everything. ..( besides, a wrong decision will never make me stop enjoying life)

and as to lessons…yeah I have learned a few…that if there is one mistake in your whole lifetime that you can tolerate, it is when you are kind even to those who are undeserving.

that one should remain to love herself …one should never forget that AT ALL TIMES (and at all cost). Strong women tend to rationalize all the time and think they still have the respect for themselves but when you start doing things beyond what you believed for so long, beyond your own principles, when you become the person who you warn your troubled friends about and you deny it to yourself even how obvious it is…then you have lost yourself while loving others.

that there are things that are beyond your control… accept it and drop it. You can’t change a person…you can only wish they will for you…you can only forgive and if they don’t change, then you are NOT the One (even if you think you were raised well to deserve it). It’s never wrong to risk loving (that’s what they say)…but there’s a limitation to risking just for things to work out. Trust your instincts, they are not synonymous to paranoia…don’t ever believe that explanation. No one is perfect (i have my shortcomings) but all are due with some degree of respect.

that no one will protect yourself but you alone…putting your guards totally down coz of trust will result to something more hurting to yourself only…

that one should learn how not to give a damn at everything..hehehe…whether expressing oneself makes that bad person rejoice over something he triumphed on you about…So what? Send the message across… keeping it and keeping your pride (so they say) won’t change things anyway. If they rejoice over your woes, then you will prove to yourself the truth behind the lies…you will learn then to smile.

that when you listen to your friends….put all that has been said in your mind, no matter how unbelievable it is. They have known you for so long and you have been through a lot with them together.. they have all the credibility to say things to you.. they see more than you do.

And always PRAY…for understanding, strength and guidance…to make you see things positively all the time…to keep respecting boundaries and learning to appreciate still the source of your weeping (hate the game, not the player). Praying never fails.

O V E R R U L E D

(December 10th, 20070

last saturday, i went to petite’s birthday bash, a dear college friend in up..


“it’s good that you’re back…” for 3 meets with separate set of old friends, i have been told of…and amidst the party roar, involuntary thoughts just rushed……. .


there was some point, i asked god what He wanted to tell me…i begged that i would understand His purpose for everything that He just made me underwent….


i believed before that i was soo much in control of my life and my choices and at the same time i recognized that wisdom to do such came from Him…with all that just happened, i now couldn’t understand where He is leading me to…amidst all emotions, i never dared to question Him, but in desperation i did ask Him to make me understand
what is this all for….


before, i knew who i was, inside out…. i knew what people liked about me…i knew my strengths and my weaknesses…i knew what my principles in life are and my ideals…i knew what i wanted to do and how to do it…i knew life the way i want to live ….. and that was what i wanted to share


but then somewhere along the line… i met a person who made me realize that it may not be like that all the time….we make choices that would make us do otherwise for something we would think would be more fulfilling…that unnoticingly, the strong persona u had will be altered and placed on the side…


to have that change was a decision …. an unavoidable choice…but coupled with that change are reactions from people who i have been with for a long time……….and for some reason, the only way to protect all of them from a dreadful answer are closed eyes and ears.. and hope that they will understand.


but i keep on learning….no, i don’t regret the choices i made, the sacrifices that i had to do, the life i tried to live, the man i fought for ….for it all felt right at the time it was made…while others perceive that my emotions may be betraying me but how else would you do it…like i always say , my emotions will always make me feel human…


i am slowly picking up my pieces and getting my old self back… appreciating each piece more….i enjoy life with friends, i pull them out of their places… i stress my
self with them again….. i couldn’t believe i am with them again considering my
long absence…….


i can open my mind to a lot of possibilities…but my emotions will overrule them…i was complete when all of these came…i held on to what i had because i wanna share my completeness with though i have been alone all along, struggling to prove to everyone that what i had was different and special ……now, i am complete still…
……


and with that, the blessings just came pouring in.