Love even the Differences

      Aside from my being adventurous, I have always been  a fan of love and loving. Today, I came across with a quote that helped me understand it more. I am inlove, that's a fact. All those who are in this state wants to give all they have to that special person and whether we admit it or not, we always want to be given the same affection in return. When our partners go beyond what we expected them to do, we will love them more.
     
       However, there are partners who do not even come close to what we expect to do. We love them, yet we continue to wish they would do more to sweep us off our feet or put more than a smile in our faces. Every person in a relationship, at one point of time, thought of that.
   
       But only those who snap out of these thoughts,  enjoys the relationship .Couples having the same interest can differ hugely in terms of personality, preferences and decisions. Those who have learned to acknowledge the differences can take it without too much hurting. And those who respect the differences understands that loving can be shown in many different ways.
   
       Our partners may not be the one we see in movies or read in books, but they mean it when they say  that they love us and that it's for real. People will always have something to say on what we have with our partners but as long as we are happy, we have to stand with whom we chose to love. If the relationship makes us better persons, then we deserve being with our partners no matter how difficult the odds may become. There are many elements how to make it last but being unappreciative of what your partner is will never be good. The compromises help solve the differences but it should not change the person each of you are.  Love means to love even the differences. Love means loving the thought of reconciling the differences.Love means knowing that your partner loves you and love means enjoying the journey with him or with her.
   
       I am thankful. I am happy and I feel that I deserve my own relationship. It is far from what is ideal and easy but I feel love in it. I appreciate what I have for who knows, somewhere out there, someone wants to be where I am but just did not have the chance.

Loving across Distance

I am going to miss the guy who had made me laugh in many ways. Yesterday, we were on using  Skype and even there, I could barely breathe while laughing with him. I have a lot of stories to tell during his stay here but I just have to find time to write. The emotions will definitely  keep pouring the moment I start blogging, then I  will forget time.

The distance between him and me  is not new . This set-up was just like before. But the odds are harder now, since I now believe that I have found someone worth being with beyond horizons. As much as I am being tough with this, the challenges seem  up and ready for us as well.

A simple thought makes me push up against these odds -- "If it remains to make my heart smile and give me peace then I am in the right place."

Extraordinary Life

I have been wanting to write again for so long. I  have wanted to convert the tears i have been shedding for not being able to enjoy the perks of being a better half. I have wanted to convert the anger that filled me at many times that I felt I should have deserved more. I would have wanted to convert the many times I felt degraded for seem to be pushing myself often just to be wanted. I would have converted to words the crushing feeling of wanting to be at par with the one written on the top list.

But then again, at those many times that I felt so heavy, he manages to erase it with the measures that he can just give the most.

They say loving means being able to endure anything that comes with it. I have always asked myself, "to what extent should I understand?". Many times also that I have pondered on the answer to that question. And at that many times, I again understood that there are things he cannot sacrifice for my sake.

I don't have the normal relationship. I do not have a fairytale nor anything that is close to that. I have a reality that one can only imagine. I have something that paves more than loiter with him freely. I don't have the luxury of dragging time with my quirms or luxury of planning moments.

No, I don't have any of that.

But if you ask me if I am happy, I will say yes without even blinking. But I will admit to struggling ..and struggling a lot. I am struggling a lot with the little time given to me and the recognition for my existence. I am struggling of that fact that I will be pushed aside many times for bloodline. I am  struggling  a lot of the fact that at many times, I will have just to cry and understand.

But I will always be thankful for the efforts to erase the hurt that he knows that I am feeling. I will always be happy with the time he spends with me, for i know to be able to give it entails a lot on his part.

We choose our own fate by the choices we make. I had mine and at that time I made that, it was what made me realize what happiness was. And keeping that happiness is a struggle, I must admit. I am loving this person beyond what loving is . That is the truth now . But to be able to sustain that happiness, I have to get back on loving myself again. I have not lost it, but i seemed to have been approaching the road. I do not wish to lose again what I have regained the hardest way.

This is all that I am .. this is how i love and carry myself. I give value to moments because time is something too painful to regret. I give much even if I get less because I have so much to give. And if such is not enough to make me be the same for them, I will not contest nor push myself  more.

My feelings has been the source of what my mind decides on. Only my emotions will dictate the length of holding on to what I have now. This is love for me .. this is happiness for me no matter how different it is. I will always wish someday that I will be able to enjoy the perks of life with him just like most couples do. And as long as my heart will still want to wait and still feels love ... it will always dictate the most challenging part of this journey ---- to understand and endure.

Love it is Still

       Everything started in a way i never imagined. But it all ended up in a relationship i knew i wanted and deserved in the first place. It was initially a rough ride. I seemed running after him all the time. I seemed to be constantly pushing myself to him and be recognized. It was a pursuit of truth beyond words. It was a whole chasing experience.

      But as they say, "love is patient" .... it was. They say you can never lose when you love, only when you hold back. I knew what i had was something i could only imagine. It was something i was always searching for. He was the one who made me feel what i dreamed of was actually something that was real.

       Gradually, I understood his ways. It was slow and relaxing. It was enjoying the moment and just letting pieces fall into place. It was something  that I wasn't anticipating. I slowed down, smelled the flowers and letting spirits fly. I loved him for who he is now and for who he was. What he had was something I will never want to go through, and to be happy with him is to understand that by heart. To be happy with what we have, is to accept the complexities that come along with who we individually are.

      Things have just begun with us enjoying the affection we both have for each other. Everytime i'm with him, i am thankful.
       I am thankful that he continues to be a friend that i can share my growing years with.  
       I am thankful still for continuing growing and laughing off worries..
   
       I am thankful for pushing out the doubts  and making me smile,
       I am thankful still, for allowing me to do the same

       I am thankful for love he blurts out at an unexepected times,

       I am thankful at expected times, he continues to love more

       I am thankful for allowing to dream more even with complexities
       I am thankful more allowing to dream ending at being together is always possible

      For the first time, i never feared lasting time with someone. I never feared coming terms with struggle knowing he'll be beside me. For the first time, i realized that it was true when they said that "you will just feel it" if you had the real thing. Yes, it's still early but i got tired of being afraid of thinking ahead. I believe that I deserve a lasting love which I can  cherish beyond distance, and beyond time.

 
       And being a friend at the same time to him, I know he deserves the same.

     I will not say, " i don't know where this will lead us", because it isn't so. I will just have to say, "I will pray that God guides us to keep what we have strong." And that hope hard that we continue to be better persons for each other and continue to be right for each other.

      A girl's checklist is one thing she sees time after time. I believe i have  mine as well and he has his also. And as long as we have each other, no matter what pace we  have, we will continue to love and be happy (even  endure complexities) because it is something we have deserved  for long.

Loving Anew

      They say that "to expect much means hurting yourself much." I honestly wish i could prevent myself from doing that, just literally allow things to fall into places. Someone comes into your life and makes you feel good about yourself. Then you suddenly feel strong for that person and likewise. And before you know it, your guards are down again and we are back to square one.

      I am in a new bond whose heart has always looked back to promises and words that was said over and over again. Yet, when the long wait was over.. there have been some setbacks on what I perceived happening. I just couldn't get what I wanted..not at least the earliest possible time.

      I do not wish to stop expecting. I believe, my past relationships kept failing because I allowed them to love me the way they did. In the long run, the truth of how you want to be taken cared of will just be something that you want to happen badly. How I take care will always be a reflection of how I want to be taken cared of.

      Now, I see a figure who has the same blood as I have, a description i best can give for him. It feels good being able to know that he understands my constant need of adventure, so to speak. I didn't feel the need to explain the element of  spontaneity in all things, or even the sweet taste of danger. I didn't feel the need to explain my constant need of self expression which may cause offense to others that I didn't care much. I believe, I wanted something like this for long...someone i can enjoy life without minding a lot of perks.

      Then I remember last night talking with friends that God gives you always what you wish . And sometimes, when you wish you have to be particular because you will not be getting what you did not ask for.

      I asked for what I want badly and what makes me happy the most, but I forgot to exclude the complexities that may come with the person who fitted in picture.. It's funny thinking about it really, but what i have now will really test my desire to pursue what i want the most.

      I do not intend to expect the "normalcy" of events in every relationship. What i have now is not typical nor close to what i have before. I do not have the luxury of putting my foot down yet. In hours, the mind opened to what was real for me. Intending not to expect is one big challenge I have to endure, knowing that I am the type who knows exactly what i want at most times. 

      I think too much at times, like now. When I do, it mirrors mostly what i feel about. I know I am happy now ..but I admit to be struggling . But this was what I chose. And to risk losing what security I had before meant that I believe what I have now is better.. however uncertain it has become suddenly.

      Nothing has happened yet  for all the things I wished during the wait. Nothing that everyone would have expected except for the clarity we wanted and deserved. I am in a totally different scene I believe , only that I know is I want to be with this person than I did others.

      I understand the delay...to how long..that i do not know. I can only wish that he remains sincere , continues to read my mind and make things real still . =)

Lessons to Optimism

    
           There were many nights that i fought it back..there were nights i tried to hold on..but i believe there will always be an end to everything if you feel that it's not anymore making you happy...that all you have expected to happen,  was what exactly you wanted and when you kept setting that aside, it takes away the very core of what you exactly are...
          I have loved again..and again, too much..but it is what i always am. I have clipped my wings trying to become the person who i am not..without even noticing it. I become another person each time I cry for not getting what i want..for not being understood of what little i have perked about...I got tired trying to stress a point I felt right in the first place. 
           I have turned cold..not barging even a little of what seemed possible to happen. I am on my road to self discovery again..my own sanctuary of happiness..I can no longer exist to merely disappoint another person again of what makes me happy.
          I am looking forward for a new outlook, whether it's lame or it's purposeful. I am optimistic of a new love that's possible out there which could make me feel closest to what i define as happiness.
          I have learned lessons in life..still learning though. And in my quest to another journey..i wish badly that MYSELF and WHO I AM  will become the top of their priority...even mine.

Hurting in Solitude

         In our solitude, our strength is put into test…our minds into turmoil  and our hearts into  clarity.

There will always be one time in our lives when we meet another person who we think are better off with us..someone who we just spark conversations with..someone who naturally moves and thinks the way you do…someone who breathes the same air that you practically do…someone who sees life, exactly the way you do..

But then again when reality sinks in..she would understand that it was just all part of the moment…that the magic was there for no one else shared their time with…that whatever it was, it happened because it had no other choice but to  transpire….

It’s sad thinking that no matter how hard she tries to avoid it..and think so hard that it hasn’t sank..the moment that she realizes that it’s no longer there, the very moment she knows that she has expected unknowingly that it will last..And when she thought her guards are all up, she realizes that she embraced the thought of that person getting into her system..

Then in solitude of a sudden change of air…she begins to think of what transpired…what was it in the first place? What was it that made her smile? What was it that made her day? What was it that made her anticipated each day? What was it that made her break rules? What was it that made her push forward? What was it that made her attempt to test the limits? What was it that  made her happy?

             What was it that seemed to be the answer to a question she cannot even put into words…?

              All she knew that it didn’t have names for it…nor any word near enough to describe it. Then again..it zoomed in on the word…SEEM…it all seemed real...she knew it wanted it to be real..

He who cannot give her the attention she wants, she doesn’t choose. He who cannot make her feel his priority, she will have second thoughts on. He who fails to make her feel special, will have to go.He who will again make her feel neglected  will have to be forgotten. She has  cursed that feeling and anyone who is close to doing that will have to be shut off.

         Sometimes, we get so carried away with what we miss having that the moment somebody gives it to us, we rebel but actually undeniably becomes happy with it. We’re just humans…I am. And I believe, we all have answers to our own difficult questions. I have found mine and in the heaviness that I feel now...i have succumb to acceptance... the best that i can do to stop being sad.
         
        Things happen for a reason…some reasons I will still never understand. I have smiled and my spirits are lifted. I have forgotten for a moment where my rightful place is. With the lump in my throat at this moment, I realize again…I shouldn't have left my place...shouldn't have wiggled around...it is the place I should be in and where I should remain to be...happiness is how one defines it..but then standing up for it, can be a complicated process. 

how do you learn to cope up missing someone

           it has always been this challenging for me..not being able to experience everyday life with him..not being able to get upset for something petty, or not getting marveled for something i really appreciate in a day...these does not happened everyday for me...it has always been a scheduled basis...not what i had in mind, but something i have no choice but taking..
          they say our choices have something on the side we should bear up with..that there are sacrifices to being happy ..that there are wished that come with unlikeable perks..this i am beginning to understand..or better yet, i am dealing with again. it's hard..it's tough...it's nerve wracking...
           but there will always be  2 choices for us to take in every dilemma there us...HOLD ON or LET GO...i believe, what i have is something i never thought possible for me..yes it came with perks like being left for months alone, but after it..all is well again...
           how do you stop missing somebody? distract yourself from work..it makes the days faster...don't think you need someone to be strong, have faith in yourself-- say I AM STRONGER than this... i make my own strength beads and potions and rituals..because i believe, my faith in us is stronger than my immaturity. i am with a wonderful and beautiful person..who brings out the best in me and what i can do..who i know will catch me when i fall but let's me walk on my own..who will take a second breath for me the moment i turn blue..these are my best (and bestest - if such word exist) reasons for taking the first choice.
           when i think this, i stop my emotions from rushing again..lock them possible to one place and place in idle mode (lol!)..i will see him soon..i am not counting the days..i've had this before, this time, it's definitely better...
      
        how do i answer my own question? i don't know..have no slightest idea at all.

ENDING IT SOMETIMES IS THE BEST MOVE

A guide to women about men and marriage
         
        Men and women are respond  with how the society dictates them when it comes to relationship and marriage. Women, even on first date, seek in their dates a permanent partner for life. They presume their dates right away as the  man of  their lives and  father of their future child.  Women are so hooked to their fairytales that they dream of  a happy ending in most of their dates.

         However, man respond in a quite different manner. Most of them, find companion first before commitment. They tend to test the waters first before plunging  and committing in a relationship.  This is why we see a lot of them only adhering to dates for a long time before committing. And when they finally decide to  marry, he is someone seen as losing his freedom.

       This scenario may not be true to all men and women, but it gives us vital learning to choose well our partners. Women has to accept that his man is a unique human being. His views on relationship may have stormed from  the kind of family he has. Women has to understand  the uniqueness of his man and where  her man’s idea of love and commitment is coming. Assuming right away that her man thinks like she does is very dangerous. It will lead to false assumptions resulting to more problems in the relationship.

     Women, has to know if her man respects her need of commitment. These will bring  problems for the couples if not resolved. The women will keep being faithful to the relationship while her man remain avoidant to discussions of committing seriously and settling down. If women are into these kind of relationships, the best way is to get out of the relationship, nomatter how painful it may seem. The women will always be left waiting and wondering when his man will get the idea of settling down, and this is more degrading and hurting to women.

    Getting married will not even answer these problems. Women jump to marrying decisions in the hope of turning their man into a person who finally values commitment. Marrying without reconciling the couple’s differences will only give more problems than happiness to the couple. Unless, the couple has a healthy relationship, then they should refrain marrying. Marriage is not something you push to your partner in the hope of having a happy ending with your partner. Marriage is a decision made out of love and readiness to share lives with. Love, trust, honesty, and respect should be the foundation of this union. Couples are suppose to complement each other, and relationships bring out the best in every couple. If the couple is not even ready to talk about marriage, then they should not get married.

     If you are in a rocky relationship, reflect on your ideas of relationship. If you are different from your boyfriend, then do not settle your own preferences for him right away. You are worth every love and respect, and commitment. And if your boyfriend is not the type who can give you that, then you have to accept that  difference and put an end to the line. Women are stronger individuals that they think they are. If your partner in not  giving you what you want then there will always be another person who can give you what you know you deserve.  

… in time….

( February 18th, 2009)

And like they say…it has just sank in…..

it has never ceased to amaze me…how he could actually be somebody i perceived to be with ….somebody who takes care of me even on places i deem my territory …someone who i can watch laughing with my parents from a distance…someone who rushes upon hearing a glass broke on my foot….someone who would dare to be with me on stressful moments with friends … someone who memorizes the names of my friends and the occasions in their lives more than i do…someone who loves me beyond words and beyond what I can imagine…someone who’ll take a second breath for me…..

and all of the amazing things i have imagined i’d be in… i finally felt it…without much effort ….like they say, everything will just fall in the right places at the right time….

ten years of friendship…of years just goofing around, struggling for identity…running to each other at times of pain …and boasting on each other’s achievements…

i remember our careers changed on our pursuit to fulfill our family’s dreams…but at times he’s around the corner, he manages to squeeze us in his time….and everytime he does, I never stopped looking at him as a good half…even at times we were committed to somebody else..

it’s funny remembering that we were never both single at the same time until now…(well, before we dated)…

and it will always be nice to remember that amidst the attraction…both of us did not dare to go beyond our lines…we kept the friendship…kept watching each other’s back…enjoyed each other’s company without fear of judgment even atthe differences we have…laughed at each other’s ridiculous gestures..

but so they say… you just cannot have everything… there are major choices that entails big sacrifices…and no matter how I tried to run from reality…trying to defy time.. it seemed written all over the place…

how do you reconcile a future you have built in your mind for so long from something that is offered differently…how long can someone remain to be on control of her destiny…how strong can unexpected realities be…how can two choices so fulfilling be so hard to combine…that the vital element of the two is impossible to bring together…..that choosing one will leave a good half of me … will i be strong enough to pass the burden….

in time…i will be able to blurt the exact words from my mouth…as soon as I can force to say it even to myself.. the moment I will also be able to find the answers to my questions.. .

it is when i am scared with words that i put so much effort in masking my thoughts…

i am happy…that closing my eyes, the visions are still clear of what I want us to be…I have become a stronger person…with him, I learned to be really better…

….that I believed again that all things in life are simple, it’s us who make it complicated…

… that when you are nice to people, they will be nice to you…and if they’re not, then it’s sad for them …

…that we all have flaws and the best way to be secured with yourself is to acknowledge that we are not perfect ..

…and that we can be laughed at because of our imperfections and we can laugh with them …

…that our flaws will not be the measure of our character…

…and that emotions are REAL, that it should be taken cared of..

And with that, i remain smiling still in this blissful moment……..

risking again….

(December 23rd, 2008)


i’m just trying to beat the sleepiness off…everything has been a bliss…it was something I never expected again to happen…but it just did..

“he lets me love him without losing myself in the process…”..for the first time, i mean it when i say this…i used to say that and believed that it was real …but it wasn’t….this time, it just wasn’t what i wanted to believe in …one of my thousand ideals…this time it’s real… absolutely………

the minute he stepped again on our doorway..and i knew then it would lead to something really special…

for many times, i have been so transparent of what i felt about someone…to the extent that it was meant to force others that who i was with was worth all the affection…but then again, no matter how flowery i become…or how melodic my essays be…happiness can never be simulated ….no matter how i create literary illusions of what i had, the sigh i have proves otherwise..

2 years ago (2006)…i spent the rest of Christmas eve with this guy…after someone broke my ideals in Christmas..i remembered being upset early .. felt alone, …surprised with a gift i really loved to have, but being left quickly…i expected to have spent the special day with someone, but he had other plans ….

then out of the blue…this friend came…probably because he had no one to spend the holiday eve with….he saw the expression i had…the sight of solitude…i didn’t have to tell further…over a wine and food…we spent the whole night (until literary the sun rose) talking about our lives….

he has been always there for me…my knight in times of distress each time that i was torn into pieces…for years, he had seen the worst of me.. and the best that I have become…for years, he knew what would interest and frustrate me….we matured together, had fun in the simplest things we have together, and were witnesses of each other’s time of love and hurdling hurt that comes with it…

for years, i have drawn a line between us…i refuse to go a step higher with friends…childish it may sound, but i didn’t want to ruin a very special friendship….each time he’s around,i drop all my schedules and storm the streets with him….i am myself when i’m with him…not underestimated…not looked down…not taken for granted.

and then suddenly things changed….as much as i tried stopping it…not because i didn’t want it, but because i didn’t want another guy to drop my defenses again…NOT again…i didn’t want to start believing to another person’s words again…i didn’t want to get tangled with loyalty again…i stopped believing anymore that people can actually be truthful…i stopped believing i could trust again…

but then again…persistence and consistency is irresistible….and blessings from special people are enough to look at it in a different light…i might have been blind for a while of something / someone that has been of reach for so long….someone whose flaws are bearable …someone whose presence i will always feel, even without saying… i have been so fascinated of people who can sweep me off my feet…awed with who can lure like in movies…can give me the challenge i deniably seek.. that i forgot the essentials this person knows i speak all the time…he knows that he is..

how could have i glanced from afar for when what i deserved was just right before me all along…

…it’s heartwarming seeing him blend in my world…for years, it was only me, him and childhood friends….now he starts reaching in my world, and knowing the people i deem special…something i have always wanted to see, without asking…

when i look back, i smile at what i had…i had a great share of happiness and i had a lot of hurts …but i survived them all …what we had with persons who we didn’t last with, are meant to teach us about ourselves, that i will always be thankful for….it will always remind me of what i want much and what i will never want.

skeptics say that such is too early to tell.. nevertheless, i’m keeping this one…they say to be happy is risking getting hurt again… then, so BE it….And if such follows contentment, then i’m willing to lay all the cards i have…just to have a good ending with this one….

and the fat lady sang….

(November 8th, 2007)

…just when i thot that things will remain the way it is…God has other plans. i don’t hurdle grudges..i don’t hurdle any negative thoughts…no matter how strong they are unsolicitedly given..for i believe, what i had was worth it.. even if it was not bound to flourish.

sometimes it just gets soo confusing….

(August 2nd, 2007)

when the skies are being stared blankly in the the middle of the night..thoughts of what the future has races like little kids rushing to their mother…..for someone whose life has been planned eversince, uncertainty poses numbness …when things are beyond one’s control, things get shattery… anything to that account…


but who said, somebody could predict behaviors or the future itself?…assumptions are based on history, it might be repeated again or you just have to believe that it will not. but what choice of thought will you make?


then you turn to yourself…what do you have? what have you become? do you like what you have? for a long time, you felt good about yourself but what if they still find you not enough? only those who are not secured about themselves gets intimidated…but ones happiness is not exactly shared with others, what then will it be?


nobody is perfect neither is happiness…such thought has to be repeated to oneself all over again…even to those who think they have mastered the norms of humanity…when you have anticipated things to be beyond your control, it still breaks you when it unfolds …to whatever degree, it will still…and if you don’t stand again, or just even try, you will lose even the respect you owe yourself…


come to think of it, have you?

so i learn ……………..

December 26th, 2006

my ears heighten everytime a vehicle passes by…obviously waiting for the bombarding growl of his car signaling his presence…and how glad i become more with what comes after the roar…and this night wasn’t an exception…


maybe it’s exaggeration but the absence does make the heart grow fonder…in my case, it has become erratic….but maybe he’s right… they are…that to due idealisms that the expectations heighten…and while it has not been met, grief will take place…



reasons boil down to being new…this has always been what dwelled in my mind…and as it unfolds, it becomes the source of happiness which transcends into moods…with the desire to feel it as each rise of the sun that at times it doesn’t, the soul becomes untranquilized…….



but understanding is a virtue challenged all the time… strengthened by unconditioned devotion and love to its most sincere form….then little by little the bewildered heart succumbs to what idealisms refuse to teach…that blinds the seer of what is real… and existent……


i have lived in fairytales…in mermaids…in books …in movies….and now i realize that fulfillment is not hundred percent equated with such…that it can equate and even surpassed by reality……. different process and ways are far more joyous than what the mind imagined…


yes i am learning…still struggling, but continues to will…and as long i undoubtedly feel so much for him….i still will….

little love story #2

(December 21st, 2006)

It was another Sunday..finally, another off day for them. They have been attending wednesday masses at St. Jude but they haven’t heard a Sunday mass together before. They were out saturday night but had promised to go to mass the Sunday no matter what..


He woke up earlier, as usual that when she greeted her good morning the SMS way (and it makes her day so right), he has already dressed up. No much time for picking her up, so they decided to meet at the church instead. Always excited to see him..as soon as the cab parked at the holy premises of St. Paul, there he was waiting for her with a smile on his face as the sun’s rays streaked at him, beaming the façade of the guy she fell in love with.


He held her hand…and led her inside the church. She was used to sitting at the rear portion of the church with her family but this time, she was led by him instead at the center benches fronting the altar…


All her life she has always been adventurous in learning a lot of things ..a lot about life. She has always been very vocal to her friends about sign languaging ..and has always vowed that after all the exams her profession requires her, she will undergo training on sign languages…


She has been aware of his knowledge about sign languages.. it added more substance to his personality, she thought.


Then her thoughts were halted when the singing of bells filled the whole place…the mass is starting. As she opened my mouth to sing the entrance hymn, togther with all who were inside the church…..he started singing also… and to her amazement., he was moving all his upper limbs …practically doing in gestures what everyone he was singing…HE WAS SIGN LANGUAGING..


Then she looked at the other person beside her..she was doing the same thing without uttering the words…so was the person at her back and infront of her. And then she realized..they were actually seated at a very special place in the church….it was the benches assigned to the deaf and mute…and then she was in awe knowing the her boyfriend knew more than she actually thought on sign languages…



Then at after the gospel…as everyone stood up to sing another holy hymn …he stood up…and then suddenly, he went up front the altar near the priest to practically, translate it for the deaf and mute…



And her vision zeroed in to him as fast as her thought filled her…she felt very proud… she felt happy knowing that the interest she had in mind doing was actually what he was practicing for a long time.. and even if he didn’t sit beside her much or went with her during communion… it didn’t matter…


It was a new experience for her…being able to actually be there. She told him…when she thought that she felt so belonged in almost all groups or places she went to…she never thought there would be one place where she would feel left out….it was there.


After the mass, she gave him a quick kiss…and told him of the new experience…and felt soo lucky to be with somebody who shares the same passion and interest in looking and living life ….


“life is full of surprises….and among all the sudden interest that propels my mind and heart to taste and savor life…. knowing and sharing my days with him has been yet the best and most loving experience so far..”

little love story # 1…

(October 12th, 2006)

.it was sunday afternoon…when she went to his place after a family affair hoping to go out for a movie since it has been 3 days since they haven’t seen each other….


….there he was, still sleepy …an aura of no plans of getting out of his place and tire his feet in the streets..she thought, "well , so long as i’m with him…."


then after few of hours of practically cuddling each other, he said "why don’t we go upstairs…" (an open balcony is upstairs…)…so they went holding her hand..making sure she steps on the stairs safely..


..then they sat on the chair with the view of the city…it was almost sunset..then he went downstairs..she was left alone wondering if there would be a chance to actually go out for a movie again..or a drink..or anything else…


…but as her head raised and her brows lowered..as she turned around, she saw him with a tray of food (it was almost dinner time..she just realized)….walked towards her with a sweet grin on his face…loving the surprise look on her face…..as the tray is laid on the the table, he started setting the table….making sure that I eat well..

…he stepped a little…then she heard the lines a a very familiar song

"..been running from this feeling for so long..

telling my heart i didn’t need you…

pretending, i was better off alone…but i know it’s just a lie..

so afraid of taking my chance again..so afraid of what i feel inside..

coz i need to be next to you………."



……and she smiled and laughed and he gave her a big quick kiss.. it was her song for him…the one she played on his car over and over and over again….the started remembering the part where they met and how each thought of the other..then then they talked about how they almost gave up at the start of their relationship they both were fascinated with……..as fast as the kisses were exchanged were the talk on what they felt for each other…..



…she felt love on that moment..and it felt good loving at that moment…that when she wanted a day with him in the movies or walking in malls…a very serious and romantic conversation was far more better….she never expected that something so simple could be really heartwarming….it felt good knowing him and his thoughts, it felt good letting down her guards and unleashing both her contrasting and congruent principles…it felt good knowing that amidst the differences, the desire to complement and meet halfway is magical…



..then at that moment she felt that what she had with him was really different..that it felt good knowing he thinks and does what she desires him to do without even telling him first………..that magic does exist even if you don’t will it


…it seemed an ordinary sunday afternoon..but at that particular moment..that sunday was no ordinary sunday at all…

how do u make it work?

(May 4th, 2006)


     When your in a relationship, do u really lose yourself in the process? some of us would say that true love doesn’t entail one to…but really is there something called “loving somebody without changing yourself?”… maybe for something you want soo bad to workout, compromising your preferences plays a vital role. even though partners look into each other’s eyes and magically feel their other halves, we cannot change the fact that they are still two different individuals having different point of views on certain ideals and even lifestyles…
     
      But up to what extent does one have to compromise?.. would love cover up for the discontentment….if it does, for how long? would you like your partner to change for you…or better yet, compromise his happiness just to make you happy? would you want to deprive your partner of his ways which have made him the person you appreciated? would you want to go halfway of experiencing the thrill that defined your view on fulfilment?
     
     Should one refuse to change her ways…would she be willing to accept her partner’s different ways in contrast to hers? would she want no compromises when her partner’s happiness is unmistakeably divergent?


   And the queries goes infinite….the thought hurts my head as i make yours hurt too….


      I guess, the greatest challenge is make each other understand the differences…and yes i hate to say this but compromise…compromise with respect and not with grudges…do not swallow your pride if it is the one that keeps you whole…but do not hold it headstrong to ignore the needs of your partner….


        Falling inlove is easy…finding somebody worth it is nerve wracking.. getting into a relationship is manageable…but keeping it is a challenge…and when you thought you’ve been there before, you’ll find out that you’ll still have a hard time understanding and analyzing your actions and your partner’s…. then you realize that somehow, some things you learned before cannot help in anyway with what you have now.


       And i suppose there are no definite answers to my questions for one will only understand the complexity of things when one is faced with such issues…people in the right streams would be predictable …but those also faced with such would be left awed and act as the case unfold in their very eyes….yup, just cross the bridge when you get there……….


      And as the books say, in contrast or congruence with minds who give this details their utmost attention…
     If it what you have is worth keeping , then you will enjoy life with your partner and the patching up the differences may not be as complicated as it may seem…

for ReaL

(April 29th, 2006)

in so far that i have been back with a bad experience from something i prepared for a long time…he has been there to remind me that life is still worth enjoying…he has been not just my strength but the air that i breathe…

but am i worthy of it all.. when i though i have been through this, it seemed that i am starting…i have been used to enjoying everyday life on my own…even having partners not physically with me, not that i regret it…but i enjoyed literal freedom in commitment….now i am adjusting, though this has been all that i wondered before… i am scrambling for i feel everything i do seemed at all times incorrect….i am enjoying myself with this special person… i am enjoying not holding back my thoughts and actions, speaking my mind, allowing my reflexes to just flow …..let my family be themselves ….without much arguments in return.. until when he can understand.. i can only wonder…


i am feeling soo special that i begin to question if i am doing the same…eveytime my sincerity is limelighted , i shatter…that everything i say seemed for him just for the sake of saying…. it matters that he believes…that it’s sad thinking that maybe i’m giving the wrong signals coz it was the best i cud…my head hurts thinking about it…when i have been used to giving it all, this time it seemed that my all isn’t enough…i again cared soo much for somebody and his happiness will be all that will matter…


and everyday im with this special person, i see the world differently that amidst all the seemed to be endless challenges – life still is beautiful…that to those who believe that it should be shared with someone, life is definitely worth enjoying…and that i continue to believe that we don’t need somebody to make us feel complete but life is having someone to share our completeness with…


i am still vulnerable as ever and my ideals continue to make my mind doubt at times when odds seems not to conform with…and whatever past will unfold, his or mine, might try to break us ..but i guess the key to everything is believing that if you will for something to be alright , then it will…that amidst the differences, everything will go smoothly if you both believe and work had that it will…….


yes the world is circle…. for it took me long to smile and trust again…and when we think at one point, we got hurt so bad that it pains even by just breathing… we learn to love ourselves more…


i remember telling myself before that there are just some things we can’t have even if we believe we were raised well to deserve it…now i know ….. it’s because we deserved more.