sometimes it just gets soo confusing….

(August 2nd, 2007)

when the skies are being stared blankly in the the middle of the night..thoughts of what the future has races like little kids rushing to their mother…..for someone whose life has been planned eversince, uncertainty poses numbness …when things are beyond one’s control, things get shattery… anything to that account…


but who said, somebody could predict behaviors or the future itself?…assumptions are based on history, it might be repeated again or you just have to believe that it will not. but what choice of thought will you make?


then you turn to yourself…what do you have? what have you become? do you like what you have? for a long time, you felt good about yourself but what if they still find you not enough? only those who are not secured about themselves gets intimidated…but ones happiness is not exactly shared with others, what then will it be?


nobody is perfect neither is happiness…such thought has to be repeated to oneself all over again…even to those who think they have mastered the norms of humanity…when you have anticipated things to be beyond your control, it still breaks you when it unfolds …to whatever degree, it will still…and if you don’t stand again, or just even try, you will lose even the respect you owe yourself…


come to think of it, have you?

how do u make it work?

(May 4th, 2006)


     When your in a relationship, do u really lose yourself in the process? some of us would say that true love doesn’t entail one to…but really is there something called “loving somebody without changing yourself?”… maybe for something you want soo bad to workout, compromising your preferences plays a vital role. even though partners look into each other’s eyes and magically feel their other halves, we cannot change the fact that they are still two different individuals having different point of views on certain ideals and even lifestyles…
     
      But up to what extent does one have to compromise?.. would love cover up for the discontentment….if it does, for how long? would you like your partner to change for you…or better yet, compromise his happiness just to make you happy? would you want to deprive your partner of his ways which have made him the person you appreciated? would you want to go halfway of experiencing the thrill that defined your view on fulfilment?
     
     Should one refuse to change her ways…would she be willing to accept her partner’s different ways in contrast to hers? would she want no compromises when her partner’s happiness is unmistakeably divergent?


   And the queries goes infinite….the thought hurts my head as i make yours hurt too….


      I guess, the greatest challenge is make each other understand the differences…and yes i hate to say this but compromise…compromise with respect and not with grudges…do not swallow your pride if it is the one that keeps you whole…but do not hold it headstrong to ignore the needs of your partner….


        Falling inlove is easy…finding somebody worth it is nerve wracking.. getting into a relationship is manageable…but keeping it is a challenge…and when you thought you’ve been there before, you’ll find out that you’ll still have a hard time understanding and analyzing your actions and your partner’s…. then you realize that somehow, some things you learned before cannot help in anyway with what you have now.


       And i suppose there are no definite answers to my questions for one will only understand the complexity of things when one is faced with such issues…people in the right streams would be predictable …but those also faced with such would be left awed and act as the case unfold in their very eyes….yup, just cross the bridge when you get there……….


      And as the books say, in contrast or congruence with minds who give this details their utmost attention…
     If it what you have is worth keeping , then you will enjoy life with your partner and the patching up the differences may not be as complicated as it may seem…

for ReaL

(April 29th, 2006)

in so far that i have been back with a bad experience from something i prepared for a long time…he has been there to remind me that life is still worth enjoying…he has been not just my strength but the air that i breathe…

but am i worthy of it all.. when i though i have been through this, it seemed that i am starting…i have been used to enjoying everyday life on my own…even having partners not physically with me, not that i regret it…but i enjoyed literal freedom in commitment….now i am adjusting, though this has been all that i wondered before… i am scrambling for i feel everything i do seemed at all times incorrect….i am enjoying myself with this special person… i am enjoying not holding back my thoughts and actions, speaking my mind, allowing my reflexes to just flow …..let my family be themselves ….without much arguments in return.. until when he can understand.. i can only wonder…


i am feeling soo special that i begin to question if i am doing the same…eveytime my sincerity is limelighted , i shatter…that everything i say seemed for him just for the sake of saying…. it matters that he believes…that it’s sad thinking that maybe i’m giving the wrong signals coz it was the best i cud…my head hurts thinking about it…when i have been used to giving it all, this time it seemed that my all isn’t enough…i again cared soo much for somebody and his happiness will be all that will matter…


and everyday im with this special person, i see the world differently that amidst all the seemed to be endless challenges – life still is beautiful…that to those who believe that it should be shared with someone, life is definitely worth enjoying…and that i continue to believe that we don’t need somebody to make us feel complete but life is having someone to share our completeness with…


i am still vulnerable as ever and my ideals continue to make my mind doubt at times when odds seems not to conform with…and whatever past will unfold, his or mine, might try to break us ..but i guess the key to everything is believing that if you will for something to be alright , then it will…that amidst the differences, everything will go smoothly if you both believe and work had that it will…….


yes the world is circle…. for it took me long to smile and trust again…and when we think at one point, we got hurt so bad that it pains even by just breathing… we learn to love ourselves more…


i remember telling myself before that there are just some things we can’t have even if we believe we were raised well to deserve it…now i know ….. it’s because we deserved more.