( February 18th, 2009)
And like they say…it has just sank in…..
it has never ceased to amaze me…how he could actually be somebody i perceived to be with ….somebody who takes care of me even on places i deem my territory …someone who i can watch laughing with my parents from a distance…someone who rushes upon hearing a glass broke on my foot….someone who would dare to be with me on stressful moments with friends … someone who memorizes the names of my friends and the occasions in their lives more than i do…someone who loves me beyond words and beyond what I can imagine…someone who’ll take a second breath for me…..
and all of the amazing things i have imagined i’d be in… i finally felt it…without much effort ….like they say, everything will just fall in the right places at the right time….
ten years of friendship…of years just goofing around, struggling for identity…running to each other at times of pain …and boasting on each other’s achievements…
i remember our careers changed on our pursuit to fulfill our family’s dreams…but at times he’s around the corner, he manages to squeeze us in his time….and everytime he does, I never stopped looking at him as a good half…even at times we were committed to somebody else..
it’s funny remembering that we were never both single at the same time until now…(well, before we dated)…
and it will always be nice to remember that amidst the attraction…both of us did not dare to go beyond our lines…we kept the friendship…kept watching each other’s back…enjoyed each other’s company without fear of judgment even atthe differences we have…laughed at each other’s ridiculous gestures..
but so they say… you just cannot have everything… there are major choices that entails big sacrifices…and no matter how I tried to run from reality…trying to defy time.. it seemed written all over the place…
how do you reconcile a future you have built in your mind for so long from something that is offered differently…how long can someone remain to be on control of her destiny…how strong can unexpected realities be…how can two choices so fulfilling be so hard to combine…that the vital element of the two is impossible to bring together…..that choosing one will leave a good half of me … will i be strong enough to pass the burden….
in time…i will be able to blurt the exact words from my mouth…as soon as I can force to say it even to myself.. the moment I will also be able to find the answers to my questions.. .
it is when i am scared with words that i put so much effort in masking my thoughts…
i am happy…that closing my eyes, the visions are still clear of what I want us to be…I have become a stronger person…with him, I learned to be really better…
….that I believed again that all things in life are simple, it’s us who make it complicated…
… that when you are nice to people, they will be nice to you…and if they’re not, then it’s sad for them …
…that we all have flaws and the best way to be secured with yourself is to acknowledge that we are not perfect ..
…and that we can be laughed at because of our imperfections and we can laugh with them …
…that our flaws will not be the measure of our character…
…and that emotions are REAL, that it should be taken cared of..
And with that, i remain smiling still in this blissful moment……..
Showing posts with label Forgiveness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Forgiveness. Show all posts
Friday, May 21, 2010
Learning from “Sex and the City”..
(June 1st, 2008 )
Ivy was a fan of the series, not me…I was more of the fiction freak than the reality..but I must admit that watching the flick felt good …i believe for women who had a lot of things in their way.
It was nice watching ‘female norms”…and felt good knowing that what I went through was universal. “Things happens for a reason”…that is one thing we should accept, regardless of what gender is, no matter how unbelievable it is. Like Carrie said, “things just happen…no matter how she did not believe it…and our lives will continue if we decide it to…and happiness is more of a choice rather than a destiny”
And just contemplating..my last entry was in 2007 and I couldn’t lift a finger to write a blog again because pride stopped me..it didn’t want me to become so transparent again.. feared that it will send wrong signals…but then again, it has been 5 months…and I couldn’t care less anymore.
Tomorrow is already june 1, and as much as I wanted to leave (talk about rescheduled appointments), God had other plans for me. The opening school year will be different from now on..that I know. The last semester and summer was a struggle for me, whether I speak of it or not..and as to able to have survived it all..i believe I did.
Am I stronger now? Happier now?…i believe I am…so as I will be missing a lot of what I poured my emotions for. The new semester offers a new start…a fresh one…looking back at what I had will always be the measurement of my becoming a better mentor…and looking back will always be a good measure of my happiness.
And to the million dollar question every eye pokes when I am around….yes, everything is OK.. things may not be the way they are but trust me…it is ok. Whatever it was, it’s already in it’s right place…and because of time, it seeks and will seek nothing anymore. I will always look back to what it made me smile for., every reason I could remember..because those are the things that should be thought of (nothing else should be pondered more)…how I shared my profession and my students with…nobody has come close to playing around with my students whether during my lectures or my duty …no one has come close to making me laugh with the surprises at work ….and no one has come close to my want to challenge another wit and my want to tease because it is necessary to break the arrogance …….these I have to admit..i do acknowledge everything. I don’t throw away the good stuff, .i learn from what is not. Things are new now and it may soon become unnoticed just like it was before…surprisingly, the last sight made me smile….and it will make me smile… I believe .
The new semester breaks me away from the comfort group I had. Funny, knowing that I was them in 2 semesters and just when I was single and free that I was able to enjoy the genuine friendship with them…friendship that was not even planned. Knowing them was unexplainable and the feeling is indescribable..that kept me interested and enjoying what I had at work:
· Ivy - nope she is not part of the DOMENG team but she has been one of the best friends I ever had. Met her back in nursing school when I needed a lab gown and a sorority friend knew her. She has been my strength a times I lost myself. The first time she had to pull me was when I was in MN class all lost and …wandering. She will always be an ally…whatever or whoever will temporary set us apart.
· Donna – the loud, funny and loving friend I have. It took one coffee at “Kopi Roti” to realize that we can actually be more than just co-workers. She is the joy of the group and her absence will really make us miss her. Her mouth is unstoppable and there will be no other person who can come close to make us all laugh. It will only be HER. But she turned out to be really special and knowing her made me regret that I stopped my self reaching out to them before. Circumstances made me do that.
· Jo Irene – the person having the odd laughter. she was my classmate but we weren’t that close like now. Jo is sweet and “mataray “ at the same time. She warned me..i did not listen..she continued to warn me..i refused still to listen.hehehe… she is the has no talent in hiding what she feels that who could snap at you if she didn’t like you and that makes her really special.
·Brok – the pretty and the most dainty, id like to believe. Simple life..simple thoughts..classic principles…and fabulous comic act.. she is the friend you read in novels..always emotional on things..gets upset but would rather be silent… she substitutes donna when she is not around.
· Charisse- “ ang inchik”…I couldn’t say anything else. The toddler whose height is 6 plus…who shrieks coz she is fat when she is size 24 and screams because she’s dark already when she is the lightest among us…haaayyy….she talks 500 words per minute…plays anything that is fun and snaps at something that is offensive to her. She is the baby among the group…who we love to annoy a lot.
· Rose Tuloy – i tell her my emotions at the most odd places..like during CHN duties or COPAR..weird…we do not hang out much outside the workplace ..and that’s understandable..but the friendship will always be special. We exchange notes and emotions…and learn always. She’s the voluptuous among the group …and the sassiest.
· May – ok we call her “gerzon”..i like calling her gerzon..hehehe..who wouldn’t notice her..the stature and the eyerbrows..and the sharp tongue. .she is the most mature among us, no one would contest that…always reminds us of our age. Her words pacify our immatureness often..and somehow, our jokes makes her calm in her anger. She is motherly and funky at the same time..hehehe…we make her young..period.
· Topen: the male counterpart of charisse. He will make fun of anything and EVERYTHING he sees..including US..and it will just make us laugh. He substitutes donna in her absence..and whose energy is always on the rise. Sweet..goodlooking..funny and stress-free person who is serious about his plans in life….
· Haidee – adopted from Paolo’s group..mataray pretty mom who listens to me and tells me things at the right time..ninang ako ng baby nya..hehehe
· Malou – it was her that I have when I ran away from reality just to escape everything…what she had was incomparable to what I went though..and it made me strong. She is the pretty mom with a tiny physique but with the strongest personality because of what she had. She panicks for me..hahaha…even at time I wouldn’t even regard panicking about.. but it’s nice and heartwarming
· Princess - the “out of this world” lady who gets anything because of her style and unique ilongga “style”..she will make you laugh and wonder what you laughed about
· Polly – she laughs, laughs loud..laughs without poise..than she asks suddenly what we are laughing about and what she is laughing about…funny and bubbly and always smiling..yup that’s her…always there to listen and to comment when we needed it badly
· Janet – has her own world..but I remember sharing time with her before…during on of the duties..she is special..and a loyal friend..she is fierce and it’s not bad at all
· Domeng – the reason all of the girls above became friends……he is friend even before..he doesn’t give advices when I need it because he thinks I can always manage things…it is when I am sober and strong that he give his thoughts for me…
And there are other more friends who is of the same degree of being special to me like them…but these people I will miss because I will no longer be in the same schedule with them…though I will see them still often. I will miss having lunch with them all ..or merely having a headache planning where to go during lunchbreaks.
Life gave me something I never imagined possible…it taught me something I wouldn’t have learned alone…it made me clear to me what I want and maed me rememeber what I did not….
New life..new students..new supervisor friends…Haven’t even started but they already made me interested…..that it made me write again.
Ivy was a fan of the series, not me…I was more of the fiction freak than the reality..but I must admit that watching the flick felt good …i believe for women who had a lot of things in their way.
It was nice watching ‘female norms”…and felt good knowing that what I went through was universal. “Things happens for a reason”…that is one thing we should accept, regardless of what gender is, no matter how unbelievable it is. Like Carrie said, “things just happen…no matter how she did not believe it…and our lives will continue if we decide it to…and happiness is more of a choice rather than a destiny”
And just contemplating..my last entry was in 2007 and I couldn’t lift a finger to write a blog again because pride stopped me..it didn’t want me to become so transparent again.. feared that it will send wrong signals…but then again, it has been 5 months…and I couldn’t care less anymore.
Tomorrow is already june 1, and as much as I wanted to leave (talk about rescheduled appointments), God had other plans for me. The opening school year will be different from now on..that I know. The last semester and summer was a struggle for me, whether I speak of it or not..and as to able to have survived it all..i believe I did.
Am I stronger now? Happier now?…i believe I am…so as I will be missing a lot of what I poured my emotions for. The new semester offers a new start…a fresh one…looking back at what I had will always be the measurement of my becoming a better mentor…and looking back will always be a good measure of my happiness.
And to the million dollar question every eye pokes when I am around….yes, everything is OK.. things may not be the way they are but trust me…it is ok. Whatever it was, it’s already in it’s right place…and because of time, it seeks and will seek nothing anymore. I will always look back to what it made me smile for., every reason I could remember..because those are the things that should be thought of (nothing else should be pondered more)…how I shared my profession and my students with…nobody has come close to playing around with my students whether during my lectures or my duty …no one has come close to making me laugh with the surprises at work ….and no one has come close to my want to challenge another wit and my want to tease because it is necessary to break the arrogance …….these I have to admit..i do acknowledge everything. I don’t throw away the good stuff, .i learn from what is not. Things are new now and it may soon become unnoticed just like it was before…surprisingly, the last sight made me smile….and it will make me smile… I believe .
The new semester breaks me away from the comfort group I had. Funny, knowing that I was them in 2 semesters and just when I was single and free that I was able to enjoy the genuine friendship with them…friendship that was not even planned. Knowing them was unexplainable and the feeling is indescribable..that kept me interested and enjoying what I had at work:
· Ivy - nope she is not part of the DOMENG team but she has been one of the best friends I ever had. Met her back in nursing school when I needed a lab gown and a sorority friend knew her. She has been my strength a times I lost myself. The first time she had to pull me was when I was in MN class all lost and …wandering. She will always be an ally…whatever or whoever will temporary set us apart.
· Donna – the loud, funny and loving friend I have. It took one coffee at “Kopi Roti” to realize that we can actually be more than just co-workers. She is the joy of the group and her absence will really make us miss her. Her mouth is unstoppable and there will be no other person who can come close to make us all laugh. It will only be HER. But she turned out to be really special and knowing her made me regret that I stopped my self reaching out to them before. Circumstances made me do that.
· Jo Irene – the person having the odd laughter. she was my classmate but we weren’t that close like now. Jo is sweet and “mataray “ at the same time. She warned me..i did not listen..she continued to warn me..i refused still to listen.hehehe… she is the has no talent in hiding what she feels that who could snap at you if she didn’t like you and that makes her really special.
·Brok – the pretty and the most dainty, id like to believe. Simple life..simple thoughts..classic principles…and fabulous comic act.. she is the friend you read in novels..always emotional on things..gets upset but would rather be silent… she substitutes donna when she is not around.
· Charisse- “ ang inchik”…I couldn’t say anything else. The toddler whose height is 6 plus…who shrieks coz she is fat when she is size 24 and screams because she’s dark already when she is the lightest among us…haaayyy….she talks 500 words per minute…plays anything that is fun and snaps at something that is offensive to her. She is the baby among the group…who we love to annoy a lot.
· Rose Tuloy – i tell her my emotions at the most odd places..like during CHN duties or COPAR..weird…we do not hang out much outside the workplace ..and that’s understandable..but the friendship will always be special. We exchange notes and emotions…and learn always. She’s the voluptuous among the group …and the sassiest.
· May – ok we call her “gerzon”..i like calling her gerzon..hehehe..who wouldn’t notice her..the stature and the eyerbrows..and the sharp tongue. .she is the most mature among us, no one would contest that…always reminds us of our age. Her words pacify our immatureness often..and somehow, our jokes makes her calm in her anger. She is motherly and funky at the same time..hehehe…we make her young..period.
· Topen: the male counterpart of charisse. He will make fun of anything and EVERYTHING he sees..including US..and it will just make us laugh. He substitutes donna in her absence..and whose energy is always on the rise. Sweet..goodlooking..funny and stress-free person who is serious about his plans in life….
· Haidee – adopted from Paolo’s group..mataray pretty mom who listens to me and tells me things at the right time..ninang ako ng baby nya..hehehe
· Malou – it was her that I have when I ran away from reality just to escape everything…what she had was incomparable to what I went though..and it made me strong. She is the pretty mom with a tiny physique but with the strongest personality because of what she had. She panicks for me..hahaha…even at time I wouldn’t even regard panicking about.. but it’s nice and heartwarming
· Princess - the “out of this world” lady who gets anything because of her style and unique ilongga “style”..she will make you laugh and wonder what you laughed about
· Polly – she laughs, laughs loud..laughs without poise..than she asks suddenly what we are laughing about and what she is laughing about…funny and bubbly and always smiling..yup that’s her…always there to listen and to comment when we needed it badly
· Janet – has her own world..but I remember sharing time with her before…during on of the duties..she is special..and a loyal friend..she is fierce and it’s not bad at all
· Domeng – the reason all of the girls above became friends……he is friend even before..he doesn’t give advices when I need it because he thinks I can always manage things…it is when I am sober and strong that he give his thoughts for me…
And there are other more friends who is of the same degree of being special to me like them…but these people I will miss because I will no longer be in the same schedule with them…though I will see them still often. I will miss having lunch with them all ..or merely having a headache planning where to go during lunchbreaks.
Life gave me something I never imagined possible…it taught me something I wouldn’t have learned alone…it made me clear to me what I want and maed me rememeber what I did not….
New life..new students..new supervisor friends…Haven’t even started but they already made me interested…..that it made me write again.
What DiD i Get….?
(December 30th, 2007 )
i hate it when i’m left at my pc and emotions just keep rushing in…tomorrow is 2008..and as much as I prevent myself from looking back at 2007 (like all the TV programs do..), I just cant…
I have been through a LOT ..hehehe…that’s all…
and many have been offering their support and love, and I appreciate it sooo much….but I don’t know if they really understand what I just went through…as they say, each experience is unique.
but I have been relieved…I have forgiven. Forgiveness has been asked (thank you for that…it wasn’t easy I know) . Whether it was asked with sincerity or not, forgiveness is something you have no choice but to give to…hoarding it will just make you feel all the hurt again and again. Forgiving is the start of trying to forget everything. ..( besides, a wrong decision will never make me stop enjoying life)
and as to lessons…yeah I have learned a few…that if there is one mistake in your whole lifetime that you can tolerate, it is when you are kind even to those who are undeserving.
that one should remain to love herself …one should never forget that AT ALL TIMES (and at all cost). Strong women tend to rationalize all the time and think they still have the respect for themselves but when you start doing things beyond what you believed for so long, beyond your own principles, when you become the person who you warn your troubled friends about and you deny it to yourself even how obvious it is…then you have lost yourself while loving others.
that there are things that are beyond your control… accept it and drop it. You can’t change a person…you can only wish they will for you…you can only forgive and if they don’t change, then you are NOT the One (even if you think you were raised well to deserve it). It’s never wrong to risk loving (that’s what they say)…but there’s a limitation to risking just for things to work out. Trust your instincts, they are not synonymous to paranoia…don’t ever believe that explanation. No one is perfect (i have my shortcomings) but all are due with some degree of respect.
that no one will protect yourself but you alone…putting your guards totally down coz of trust will result to something more hurting to yourself only…
that one should learn how not to give a damn at everything..hehehe…whether expressing oneself makes that bad person rejoice over something he triumphed on you about…So what? Send the message across… keeping it and keeping your pride (so they say) won’t change things anyway. If they rejoice over your woes, then you will prove to yourself the truth behind the lies…you will learn then to smile.
that when you listen to your friends….put all that has been said in your mind, no matter how unbelievable it is. They have known you for so long and you have been through a lot with them together.. they have all the credibility to say things to you.. they see more than you do.
And always PRAY…for understanding, strength and guidance…to make you see things positively all the time…to keep respecting boundaries and learning to appreciate still the source of your weeping (hate the game, not the player). Praying never fails.
O V E R R U L E D
(December 10th, 20070
last saturday, i went to petite’s birthday bash, a dear college friend in up..
“it’s good that you’re back…” for 3 meets with separate set of old friends, i have been told of…and amidst the party roar, involuntary thoughts just rushed……. .
there was some point, i asked god what He wanted to tell me…i begged that i would understand His purpose for everything that He just made me underwent….
i believed before that i was soo much in control of my life and my choices and at the same time i recognized that wisdom to do such came from Him…with all that just happened, i now couldn’t understand where He is leading me to…amidst all emotions, i never dared to question Him, but in desperation i did ask Him to make me understand
what is this all for….
before, i knew who i was, inside out…. i knew what people liked about me…i knew my strengths and my weaknesses…i knew what my principles in life are and my ideals…i knew what i wanted to do and how to do it…i knew life the way i want to live ….. and that was what i wanted to share
but then somewhere along the line… i met a person who made me realize that it may not be like that all the time….we make choices that would make us do otherwise for something we would think would be more fulfilling…that unnoticingly, the strong persona u had will be altered and placed on the side…
to have that change was a decision …. an unavoidable choice…but coupled with that change are reactions from people who i have been with for a long time……….and for some reason, the only way to protect all of them from a dreadful answer are closed eyes and ears.. and hope that they will understand.
but i keep on learning….no, i don’t regret the choices i made, the sacrifices that i had to do, the life i tried to live, the man i fought for ….for it all felt right at the time it was made…while others perceive that my emotions may be betraying me but how else would you do it…like i always say , my emotions will always make me feel human…
i am slowly picking up my pieces and getting my old self back… appreciating each piece more….i enjoy life with friends, i pull them out of their places… i stress my
self with them again….. i couldn’t believe i am with them again considering my
long absence…….
i can open my mind to a lot of possibilities…but my emotions will overrule them…i was complete when all of these came…i held on to what i had because i wanna share my completeness with though i have been alone all along, struggling to prove to everyone that what i had was different and special ……now, i am complete still…
……
and with that, the blessings just came pouring in.
last saturday, i went to petite’s birthday bash, a dear college friend in up..
“it’s good that you’re back…” for 3 meets with separate set of old friends, i have been told of…and amidst the party roar, involuntary thoughts just rushed……. .
there was some point, i asked god what He wanted to tell me…i begged that i would understand His purpose for everything that He just made me underwent….
i believed before that i was soo much in control of my life and my choices and at the same time i recognized that wisdom to do such came from Him…with all that just happened, i now couldn’t understand where He is leading me to…amidst all emotions, i never dared to question Him, but in desperation i did ask Him to make me understand
what is this all for….
before, i knew who i was, inside out…. i knew what people liked about me…i knew my strengths and my weaknesses…i knew what my principles in life are and my ideals…i knew what i wanted to do and how to do it…i knew life the way i want to live ….. and that was what i wanted to share
but then somewhere along the line… i met a person who made me realize that it may not be like that all the time….we make choices that would make us do otherwise for something we would think would be more fulfilling…that unnoticingly, the strong persona u had will be altered and placed on the side…
to have that change was a decision …. an unavoidable choice…but coupled with that change are reactions from people who i have been with for a long time……….and for some reason, the only way to protect all of them from a dreadful answer are closed eyes and ears.. and hope that they will understand.
but i keep on learning….no, i don’t regret the choices i made, the sacrifices that i had to do, the life i tried to live, the man i fought for ….for it all felt right at the time it was made…while others perceive that my emotions may be betraying me but how else would you do it…like i always say , my emotions will always make me feel human…
i am slowly picking up my pieces and getting my old self back… appreciating each piece more….i enjoy life with friends, i pull them out of their places… i stress my
self with them again….. i couldn’t believe i am with them again considering my
long absence…….
i can open my mind to a lot of possibilities…but my emotions will overrule them…i was complete when all of these came…i held on to what i had because i wanna share my completeness with though i have been alone all along, struggling to prove to everyone that what i had was different and special ……now, i am complete still…
……
and with that, the blessings just came pouring in.
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