Never Again..I thought

No matter how strong a woman is, the minute she falls inlove..things get complicated right away. My tears fell yesterday wondering if all that has been invested was going along what was expected. I have said to myself, "this is not new to me..I should know better." But then again, no matter how I know letting my guards down will hurt me bad...i still did.

As i sit now, still picking up a lot of wondering thoughts, i again reflected 3 years back when I felt so hurt that it seemed impossible to breathe. I told myself  that I will not entertain anyone who will give me that again..or close to it.

Yes, i believed in a promise. I believe in a friendship that could flourish into something really beautiful. I believed in a love that seemed so sincere amidst the odds. I planned literally my life knowing that finally, there seemed a person i could see forever with. I built my happiness to having to share what i knew what enjoying life is.

But I seemed to have left believing. And no matter how much i deny it to myself, things are getting more obvious. What may have been so real now seemed just a fabric of an imagination...more hurtful to think that it was all a lie.

When a man loves you for real..he will make ways to make you feel special. You don't have to doubt him even he's not around because he will not let you. Your head will never ache wondering whether he will text you if you're ok ..or what are you doing at time he knows your vacant...or will actually want to see you even for a while. And as I cry my tears finishing this one..i am in admission that none of these have been evident so far.. not even close.

In tears, i will hurdle the pain for a while. And as I do that, i will have to look back to what i left behind..to the plans i settled aside ..thinking that it was all worth the wait. I will not beg somebody for something I know I deserve. I will not let anyone again make me feel that I am unwanted. I will not let someone hurt me more than the hurt I am feeling now.

I will have my time to speak. At the time, that I won't even attempt to beg for the chance to be with him. It's easy to know when they don't want you around, it's the acceptance that's hard and it's turning your back that will take a lot of guts.

I will admit to falling inlove for there's nothing else to describe it. I admit to falling too much by expecting that it was mutual. I admit to have been so gullible believing in words i wanted to hear. I admit to being so naive that falling for this person was what will make me happy. I admit that none of it was true. I admit now to hurting bad.

But with the little strength I have. I will not allow it to take all the best of what i have become. Even if I have to  write again and again to be able to breathe then I will. The hurting will just have to end...it has to or I will never forgive myself for allowing them to build their fantasies in my expense again.

I BREAK MY SILENCE…

(December 3rd, 2007)

i just woke up in the middle of the night again but this time with emotions that are human…no i am not indespair much …and i would wish to hold my peace but sometimes i think, it would be really unfair to myself…I have held my peace for so long…but human as I am…there are confessions that just will break the tie….

things have been really whirlwind lately and what was not meant to be should not be continued… i had only 2 choices…to let myself be affected with the aftermath or not… but how can you choose to be not affected in a snap when the lies keep on surfacing…all those secrets of flirtations to others in the time that was officially mine are unveiled from the recepients and the accessories of the act themselves…that when i thought i had so much pride before.. all along, i had actually had none. But there is no use to hurdle those anymore…there is nothing i can do about it….everything was underestimated including myself….

i will never understand the need of constant self ego check…and I will never attempt

to accept it again…

(……..there are moments I want to tell you exactly the kind of person you are..because probably no one very dared to tell you so far …)

and when i am about to move on……..it has not been over a month yet and now i have been informed that a new beginning with another person has been happening for a week….and now i feel soo stupid…fooled will be the right term… coz until the last minute words to me, they just proved to be lies after all…they proved to be crafted all along …. because a confession has been made that prior to that,she was lured while i was still D one.

Much more its sad that the ethics on separation was not mutual as well….when i chose to be silent to prove that i am ok …. i am stripping respect which what i owe to myself badly.

when i am about to begin stepping forward …bringing with me what i thought was real…i am pulled again backwards…not because i am weak and letting myself pulled by them but because it is wrong to step forward with a wrong perception still….the evidences will speak for themselves…

the questions I have will always haunt me….but I refuse to dwell on it…this will be the last time I will step back..

amidst all, i wish happiness for us all…that i can be proud to be honest about.

how do u make it work?

(May 4th, 2006)


     When your in a relationship, do u really lose yourself in the process? some of us would say that true love doesn’t entail one to…but really is there something called “loving somebody without changing yourself?”… maybe for something you want soo bad to workout, compromising your preferences plays a vital role. even though partners look into each other’s eyes and magically feel their other halves, we cannot change the fact that they are still two different individuals having different point of views on certain ideals and even lifestyles…
     
      But up to what extent does one have to compromise?.. would love cover up for the discontentment….if it does, for how long? would you like your partner to change for you…or better yet, compromise his happiness just to make you happy? would you want to deprive your partner of his ways which have made him the person you appreciated? would you want to go halfway of experiencing the thrill that defined your view on fulfilment?
     
     Should one refuse to change her ways…would she be willing to accept her partner’s different ways in contrast to hers? would she want no compromises when her partner’s happiness is unmistakeably divergent?


   And the queries goes infinite….the thought hurts my head as i make yours hurt too….


      I guess, the greatest challenge is make each other understand the differences…and yes i hate to say this but compromise…compromise with respect and not with grudges…do not swallow your pride if it is the one that keeps you whole…but do not hold it headstrong to ignore the needs of your partner….


        Falling inlove is easy…finding somebody worth it is nerve wracking.. getting into a relationship is manageable…but keeping it is a challenge…and when you thought you’ve been there before, you’ll find out that you’ll still have a hard time understanding and analyzing your actions and your partner’s…. then you realize that somehow, some things you learned before cannot help in anyway with what you have now.


       And i suppose there are no definite answers to my questions for one will only understand the complexity of things when one is faced with such issues…people in the right streams would be predictable …but those also faced with such would be left awed and act as the case unfold in their very eyes….yup, just cross the bridge when you get there……….


      And as the books say, in contrast or congruence with minds who give this details their utmost attention…
     If it what you have is worth keeping , then you will enjoy life with your partner and the patching up the differences may not be as complicated as it may seem…