Ready Again..i think

Yes for many months, i have lurked myself on the side. I just let all of everything fall into places. I let go of a love that i knew others perceived lasting. I let go of a man who was worth a lifetime.

And as much as his words to wait lingered in my thoughts, i saw it in my own eyes that he no longer held that.  A new feme has been constantly in his images, wrapping her arms around his. Looking at it made my world stop a while, yes it did. It was odd but then i knew, he must have found the one he wanted me to be. I knew the new woman, on the backgrounds they whispered. As to the lasting love they both wanted, i wish them to that.

It made me breathe again. It was clear to me again what was meant for me. It wasn't that person, no matter how loving he may seem. We were two different individuals even love can't mask. And the difference just crawled into my system even he couldn't make to meet even halfway. But regardless how it went, the usual coldness has settled in again.

I craved for the friendship. I missed the friendship that I knew wouldn't be easy for him to give now ...for reasons I could just only wonder. I know, he wouldn't give time to drop by my place to show that he's "landed" again, something he did always when we were just friends. The difference in views and principles gave us a strong friendship, looking out on the other side of life all the time. His was ideal, mind was real. There was no pressure of taking one of each in. It was good and it was nice. That I may have with other friends, it's kinda sad missing it out with him.

But then again, things are what it is. And it is not me to push myself where I am not needed..even as a friend.

Being ready to love again is a choice but to have the guts to take the whole ride again ... is another thing.  It requires the heart to take the lead. There is no use looking back when it was your choice in the first place.  There is no use watching over the hurt i have caused. I could not bring back what i risked breaking. I could only wish the comfort to be the same again. But like they say, everything happens for a reason..and things will just be in God's perfect time.

Loved again. Lost again. But ready for another one who offers the same. I am grateful for the "seemingly" new chance. Let's just wait and see..

I BREAK MY SILENCE…

(December 3rd, 2007)

i just woke up in the middle of the night again but this time with emotions that are human…no i am not indespair much …and i would wish to hold my peace but sometimes i think, it would be really unfair to myself…I have held my peace for so long…but human as I am…there are confessions that just will break the tie….

things have been really whirlwind lately and what was not meant to be should not be continued… i had only 2 choices…to let myself be affected with the aftermath or not… but how can you choose to be not affected in a snap when the lies keep on surfacing…all those secrets of flirtations to others in the time that was officially mine are unveiled from the recepients and the accessories of the act themselves…that when i thought i had so much pride before.. all along, i had actually had none. But there is no use to hurdle those anymore…there is nothing i can do about it….everything was underestimated including myself….

i will never understand the need of constant self ego check…and I will never attempt

to accept it again…

(……..there are moments I want to tell you exactly the kind of person you are..because probably no one very dared to tell you so far …)

and when i am about to move on……..it has not been over a month yet and now i have been informed that a new beginning with another person has been happening for a week….and now i feel soo stupid…fooled will be the right term… coz until the last minute words to me, they just proved to be lies after all…they proved to be crafted all along …. because a confession has been made that prior to that,she was lured while i was still D one.

Much more its sad that the ethics on separation was not mutual as well….when i chose to be silent to prove that i am ok …. i am stripping respect which what i owe to myself badly.

when i am about to begin stepping forward …bringing with me what i thought was real…i am pulled again backwards…not because i am weak and letting myself pulled by them but because it is wrong to step forward with a wrong perception still….the evidences will speak for themselves…

the questions I have will always haunt me….but I refuse to dwell on it…this will be the last time I will step back..

amidst all, i wish happiness for us all…that i can be proud to be honest about.

and the fat lady sang….

(November 8th, 2007)

…just when i thot that things will remain the way it is…God has other plans. i don’t hurdle grudges..i don’t hurdle any negative thoughts…no matter how strong they are unsolicitedly given..for i believe, what i had was worth it.. even if it was not bound to flourish.