Love it is Still

       Everything started in a way i never imagined. But it all ended up in a relationship i knew i wanted and deserved in the first place. It was initially a rough ride. I seemed running after him all the time. I seemed to be constantly pushing myself to him and be recognized. It was a pursuit of truth beyond words. It was a whole chasing experience.

      But as they say, "love is patient" .... it was. They say you can never lose when you love, only when you hold back. I knew what i had was something i could only imagine. It was something i was always searching for. He was the one who made me feel what i dreamed of was actually something that was real.

       Gradually, I understood his ways. It was slow and relaxing. It was enjoying the moment and just letting pieces fall into place. It was something  that I wasn't anticipating. I slowed down, smelled the flowers and letting spirits fly. I loved him for who he is now and for who he was. What he had was something I will never want to go through, and to be happy with him is to understand that by heart. To be happy with what we have, is to accept the complexities that come along with who we individually are.

      Things have just begun with us enjoying the affection we both have for each other. Everytime i'm with him, i am thankful.
       I am thankful that he continues to be a friend that i can share my growing years with.  
       I am thankful still for continuing growing and laughing off worries..
   
       I am thankful for pushing out the doubts  and making me smile,
       I am thankful still, for allowing me to do the same

       I am thankful for love he blurts out at an unexepected times,

       I am thankful at expected times, he continues to love more

       I am thankful for allowing to dream more even with complexities
       I am thankful more allowing to dream ending at being together is always possible

      For the first time, i never feared lasting time with someone. I never feared coming terms with struggle knowing he'll be beside me. For the first time, i realized that it was true when they said that "you will just feel it" if you had the real thing. Yes, it's still early but i got tired of being afraid of thinking ahead. I believe that I deserve a lasting love which I can  cherish beyond distance, and beyond time.

 
       And being a friend at the same time to him, I know he deserves the same.

     I will not say, " i don't know where this will lead us", because it isn't so. I will just have to say, "I will pray that God guides us to keep what we have strong." And that hope hard that we continue to be better persons for each other and continue to be right for each other.

      A girl's checklist is one thing she sees time after time. I believe i have  mine as well and he has his also. And as long as we have each other, no matter what pace we  have, we will continue to love and be happy (even  endure complexities) because it is something we have deserved  for long.

In love

As i dose myself to sleep..i erase the hurt i was feeling couple of nights ago. I appreciate the time and effort given to wipe away the tears.

I am happy..happier now.

Never Again..I thought

No matter how strong a woman is, the minute she falls inlove..things get complicated right away. My tears fell yesterday wondering if all that has been invested was going along what was expected. I have said to myself, "this is not new to me..I should know better." But then again, no matter how I know letting my guards down will hurt me bad...i still did.

As i sit now, still picking up a lot of wondering thoughts, i again reflected 3 years back when I felt so hurt that it seemed impossible to breathe. I told myself  that I will not entertain anyone who will give me that again..or close to it.

Yes, i believed in a promise. I believe in a friendship that could flourish into something really beautiful. I believed in a love that seemed so sincere amidst the odds. I planned literally my life knowing that finally, there seemed a person i could see forever with. I built my happiness to having to share what i knew what enjoying life is.

But I seemed to have left believing. And no matter how much i deny it to myself, things are getting more obvious. What may have been so real now seemed just a fabric of an imagination...more hurtful to think that it was all a lie.

When a man loves you for real..he will make ways to make you feel special. You don't have to doubt him even he's not around because he will not let you. Your head will never ache wondering whether he will text you if you're ok ..or what are you doing at time he knows your vacant...or will actually want to see you even for a while. And as I cry my tears finishing this one..i am in admission that none of these have been evident so far.. not even close.

In tears, i will hurdle the pain for a while. And as I do that, i will have to look back to what i left behind..to the plans i settled aside ..thinking that it was all worth the wait. I will not beg somebody for something I know I deserve. I will not let anyone again make me feel that I am unwanted. I will not let someone hurt me more than the hurt I am feeling now.

I will have my time to speak. At the time, that I won't even attempt to beg for the chance to be with him. It's easy to know when they don't want you around, it's the acceptance that's hard and it's turning your back that will take a lot of guts.

I will admit to falling inlove for there's nothing else to describe it. I admit to falling too much by expecting that it was mutual. I admit to have been so gullible believing in words i wanted to hear. I admit to being so naive that falling for this person was what will make me happy. I admit that none of it was true. I admit now to hurting bad.

But with the little strength I have. I will not allow it to take all the best of what i have become. Even if I have to  write again and again to be able to breathe then I will. The hurting will just have to end...it has to or I will never forgive myself for allowing them to build their fantasies in my expense again.