Loving Anew

      They say that "to expect much means hurting yourself much." I honestly wish i could prevent myself from doing that, just literally allow things to fall into places. Someone comes into your life and makes you feel good about yourself. Then you suddenly feel strong for that person and likewise. And before you know it, your guards are down again and we are back to square one.

      I am in a new bond whose heart has always looked back to promises and words that was said over and over again. Yet, when the long wait was over.. there have been some setbacks on what I perceived happening. I just couldn't get what I wanted..not at least the earliest possible time.

      I do not wish to stop expecting. I believe, my past relationships kept failing because I allowed them to love me the way they did. In the long run, the truth of how you want to be taken cared of will just be something that you want to happen badly. How I take care will always be a reflection of how I want to be taken cared of.

      Now, I see a figure who has the same blood as I have, a description i best can give for him. It feels good being able to know that he understands my constant need of adventure, so to speak. I didn't feel the need to explain the element of  spontaneity in all things, or even the sweet taste of danger. I didn't feel the need to explain my constant need of self expression which may cause offense to others that I didn't care much. I believe, I wanted something like this for long...someone i can enjoy life without minding a lot of perks.

      Then I remember last night talking with friends that God gives you always what you wish . And sometimes, when you wish you have to be particular because you will not be getting what you did not ask for.

      I asked for what I want badly and what makes me happy the most, but I forgot to exclude the complexities that may come with the person who fitted in picture.. It's funny thinking about it really, but what i have now will really test my desire to pursue what i want the most.

      I do not intend to expect the "normalcy" of events in every relationship. What i have now is not typical nor close to what i have before. I do not have the luxury of putting my foot down yet. In hours, the mind opened to what was real for me. Intending not to expect is one big challenge I have to endure, knowing that I am the type who knows exactly what i want at most times. 

      I think too much at times, like now. When I do, it mirrors mostly what i feel about. I know I am happy now ..but I admit to be struggling . But this was what I chose. And to risk losing what security I had before meant that I believe what I have now is better.. however uncertain it has become suddenly.

      Nothing has happened yet  for all the things I wished during the wait. Nothing that everyone would have expected except for the clarity we wanted and deserved. I am in a totally different scene I believe , only that I know is I want to be with this person than I did others.

      I understand the delay...to how long..that i do not know. I can only wish that he remains sincere , continues to read my mind and make things real still . =)

Ready Again..i think

Yes for many months, i have lurked myself on the side. I just let all of everything fall into places. I let go of a love that i knew others perceived lasting. I let go of a man who was worth a lifetime.

And as much as his words to wait lingered in my thoughts, i saw it in my own eyes that he no longer held that.  A new feme has been constantly in his images, wrapping her arms around his. Looking at it made my world stop a while, yes it did. It was odd but then i knew, he must have found the one he wanted me to be. I knew the new woman, on the backgrounds they whispered. As to the lasting love they both wanted, i wish them to that.

It made me breathe again. It was clear to me again what was meant for me. It wasn't that person, no matter how loving he may seem. We were two different individuals even love can't mask. And the difference just crawled into my system even he couldn't make to meet even halfway. But regardless how it went, the usual coldness has settled in again.

I craved for the friendship. I missed the friendship that I knew wouldn't be easy for him to give now ...for reasons I could just only wonder. I know, he wouldn't give time to drop by my place to show that he's "landed" again, something he did always when we were just friends. The difference in views and principles gave us a strong friendship, looking out on the other side of life all the time. His was ideal, mind was real. There was no pressure of taking one of each in. It was good and it was nice. That I may have with other friends, it's kinda sad missing it out with him.

But then again, things are what it is. And it is not me to push myself where I am not needed..even as a friend.

Being ready to love again is a choice but to have the guts to take the whole ride again ... is another thing.  It requires the heart to take the lead. There is no use looking back when it was your choice in the first place.  There is no use watching over the hurt i have caused. I could not bring back what i risked breaking. I could only wish the comfort to be the same again. But like they say, everything happens for a reason..and things will just be in God's perfect time.

Loved again. Lost again. But ready for another one who offers the same. I am grateful for the "seemingly" new chance. Let's just wait and see..

Lessons to Optimism

    
           There were many nights that i fought it back..there were nights i tried to hold on..but i believe there will always be an end to everything if you feel that it's not anymore making you happy...that all you have expected to happen,  was what exactly you wanted and when you kept setting that aside, it takes away the very core of what you exactly are...
          I have loved again..and again, too much..but it is what i always am. I have clipped my wings trying to become the person who i am not..without even noticing it. I become another person each time I cry for not getting what i want..for not being understood of what little i have perked about...I got tired trying to stress a point I felt right in the first place. 
           I have turned cold..not barging even a little of what seemed possible to happen. I am on my road to self discovery again..my own sanctuary of happiness..I can no longer exist to merely disappoint another person again of what makes me happy.
          I am looking forward for a new outlook, whether it's lame or it's purposeful. I am optimistic of a new love that's possible out there which could make me feel closest to what i define as happiness.
          I have learned lessons in life..still learning though. And in my quest to another journey..i wish badly that MYSELF and WHO I AM  will become the top of their priority...even mine.