Lessons to Optimism

    
           There were many nights that i fought it back..there were nights i tried to hold on..but i believe there will always be an end to everything if you feel that it's not anymore making you happy...that all you have expected to happen,  was what exactly you wanted and when you kept setting that aside, it takes away the very core of what you exactly are...
          I have loved again..and again, too much..but it is what i always am. I have clipped my wings trying to become the person who i am not..without even noticing it. I become another person each time I cry for not getting what i want..for not being understood of what little i have perked about...I got tired trying to stress a point I felt right in the first place. 
           I have turned cold..not barging even a little of what seemed possible to happen. I am on my road to self discovery again..my own sanctuary of happiness..I can no longer exist to merely disappoint another person again of what makes me happy.
          I am looking forward for a new outlook, whether it's lame or it's purposeful. I am optimistic of a new love that's possible out there which could make me feel closest to what i define as happiness.
          I have learned lessons in life..still learning though. And in my quest to another journey..i wish badly that MYSELF and WHO I AM  will become the top of their priority...even mine.

Hurting in Solitude

         In our solitude, our strength is put into test…our minds into turmoil  and our hearts into  clarity.

There will always be one time in our lives when we meet another person who we think are better off with us..someone who we just spark conversations with..someone who naturally moves and thinks the way you do…someone who breathes the same air that you practically do…someone who sees life, exactly the way you do..

But then again when reality sinks in..she would understand that it was just all part of the moment…that the magic was there for no one else shared their time with…that whatever it was, it happened because it had no other choice but to  transpire….

It’s sad thinking that no matter how hard she tries to avoid it..and think so hard that it hasn’t sank..the moment that she realizes that it’s no longer there, the very moment she knows that she has expected unknowingly that it will last..And when she thought her guards are all up, she realizes that she embraced the thought of that person getting into her system..

Then in solitude of a sudden change of air…she begins to think of what transpired…what was it in the first place? What was it that made her smile? What was it that made her day? What was it that made her anticipated each day? What was it that made her break rules? What was it that made her push forward? What was it that made her attempt to test the limits? What was it that  made her happy?

             What was it that seemed to be the answer to a question she cannot even put into words…?

              All she knew that it didn’t have names for it…nor any word near enough to describe it. Then again..it zoomed in on the word…SEEM…it all seemed real...she knew it wanted it to be real..

He who cannot give her the attention she wants, she doesn’t choose. He who cannot make her feel his priority, she will have second thoughts on. He who fails to make her feel special, will have to go.He who will again make her feel neglected  will have to be forgotten. She has  cursed that feeling and anyone who is close to doing that will have to be shut off.

         Sometimes, we get so carried away with what we miss having that the moment somebody gives it to us, we rebel but actually undeniably becomes happy with it. We’re just humans…I am. And I believe, we all have answers to our own difficult questions. I have found mine and in the heaviness that I feel now...i have succumb to acceptance... the best that i can do to stop being sad.
         
        Things happen for a reason…some reasons I will still never understand. I have smiled and my spirits are lifted. I have forgotten for a moment where my rightful place is. With the lump in my throat at this moment, I realize again…I shouldn't have left my place...shouldn't have wiggled around...it is the place I should be in and where I should remain to be...happiness is how one defines it..but then standing up for it, can be a complicated process. 

missing much

         how do you get used to missing someone whose across miles? someone who can't even call right away when you miss him? this has been the nth time i have asked this questions..
          it is times like this that your nerves actually goes frantic and you have no idea how to pacify it. for a nurse, it's kinda odd not knowing how to counteract that. Two more months and hopefully, things will back to normal...
          but it is really hard not to be sad when you just can't reach the person who pacifies your soul with the mere sound of his voice...it is hard to be strong all the time..this has been repeatedly said but i did survive the rough times...but i still have to wish at times that it wouldn't be this hard...